Glenn Beck's We Surround Them glee club has a new member: Dildo Baggins

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Glenn Beck is not a glass is half-full kind of guy. Whether it's the prospect of four years of Democratic rule or a really bad case of hemorrhoids, Beck believes the worst is on its way.

But the recovering-addict-turned-talk show host has a plan to get back at the bogeymen and witchy women. And it's call We Surround Them. Call me crazy, but suddenly I feel like Frankenstein's monster and the castle is surrounded by villagers armed with pitchforks and Blackberries.

Here's what Beck-a-mite has to say about We Surroud Them:

Do you watch the direction that America is being taken in and feel powerless to stop it?

Do you believe that your voice isn’t loud enough to be heard above the noise anymore?

Do you read the headlines everyday and feel an empty pit in your stomach…as if you’re completely alone?

If so, then you’ve fallen for the Wizard of Oz lie. While the voices you hear in the distance may sound intimidating, as if they surround us from all sides—the reality is very different. Once you pull the curtain away you realize that there are only a few people pressing the buttons, and their voices are weak. The truth is that they don’t surround us at all.

We surround them.

So, how do we show America what’s really behind the curtain? Below are nine simple principles. If you believe in at least seven of them, then we have something in common. I urge you to read the instructions at the end for how to help make your voice heard.

Wait. You're asking me if I want to join, like, your group? And all I have to do is believe in at least seven of your nine principles? Not all of them? Just seven

What are these nine principles you ask? Well, here they are:

1. America is good.

2. I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life.

3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday.

4. The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government.

5. If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it.

6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results.

7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable.

8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion.

9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me.

Um. Doesn't like No. 4 sort of contradict No. 2? I mean, not directly but you know, you and your spouse can't be the ultimate authority when God's, like, the ultimate authority. Or maybe I got this whole God concept all wrong. It's possible. I thought Bea Arthur was a man for the longest time.

And No. 3, that whole bit about honesty, well, I actually believe the opposite. Being a bullshit artist is something I work really really hard at. It's right up there with finding enlightenment and shedding another 10 pounds.

You know, on second thought, I'll pass. But I got a friend who's interested. His name is Dildo Baggins. I'll pass this along to him.

Oh. Wait. You mean, Dildo Baggins is already a member. I'm surprised, actually. I mean, it's clearly stated on the We Surround Them site that administrators approve each and every new membership. But you let in Dildo?

What's next Felcher Martin? Fellatio Alger? Edgar Anal Probe?

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