by Chris Haire
Of all the poor, miserable souls in the world — the kind with perpetual hangdog expressions and ever-present Eeyore persecution complexes — no one is more utterly pathetic than historical revisionists.
Not the hard luckers who post to the Craigslist Missed Connections page.
Not the lonely basement trolls who spend all of their money live chatting with Ukrainian sex slaves on the internet.
Not the broken-hearted fanboys who believe that if they write enough reams of Nathan Fillion, the executives at 20th Century Fox will green-light another Firefly flick.
No one, I repeat no one, is more wretched and deserving of our sympathy than the poor bastards who are simply unable to digest historial truths.
Professional cycling fans.
And I must say that I was shocked to discover that Charleston County Sheriff Al Cannon appears to be one of these sad, sad souls.
As you may know, Cannon recently announced that he was taking a stand against President Barack Obama's gun control efforts — a truly strange move since Obama's executive orders were largely of the to-do list variety and no new gun control laws have been passed at this time.
However, during all the hullabaloo about what will surely become part of Cannon's campaign platform when he runs for re-election again — remember, the office of sheriff is an elected position after all — many seemed to overlook the fact that Sheriff Cannon made the rather odd claim that no guns were used during the Columbine massacre — that is except for the Daily Kos' Jamie Sanderson.
Cannon said reports that an assault weapons ban similar to the one that expired several years ago would not protect children. It would instead, Cannon said, spawn a different kind of criminal.
He used the example of Columbine to convey his message regarding misinformation.
"We were told two pistols were found near or around the shooter. We've since been told there were four handguns. One of the problems that occurs when incidents like this happen is the misinformation which is given out initially by the news media," Cannon said. "Columbine is a perfect example. Columbine was a bombing incident except it didn't go off. It was not a firearm incident."
When I first read the ABC News 4 account of this, I thought that Cannon was being taken out of context, that what he was actually trying to say is that the media initially believed that bombs had gone off at Columbine High School and that no shots had been fired. However, after watching the video of the press conference, I'm having a hard time believing that.
Unless Cannon was simply confused — hastily held press conference rarely go off without a hitch (see Mark Sanford's Appalachian Trail confession) — it certainly appears as if he is saying that firearms were not used during the Columbine massacre.
Watch it and judge for yourself. The segment in question happens a few minutes into the press conference. I wish I could give you an exact time, but this player apparently doesn't allow that.