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COCKTAIL COMPASS ETIQUETTE
OR, "THE WELL-MANNERED DRUNKARD"

Greetings Cocktail Compass User and/or Booze Enthusiast:

It is truly a wondrous age in which we live! In olden days our forefathers had a damnable time locating and enjoying a flagon of delicious, cut-rate ale. Why? Because it was virtually impossible to memorize which local taverns hosted "happy hours," and if they did, when they would take place! (Historians called this "The Dark Ages.") Thankfully those horrible days are behind us, due to the scientific minds who created "technology" and "Cocktail Compass" (hence our current time being known as "The Age of Enlightenment"). Thanks to Cocktail Compass, one can easily find the closest happy hour (and how long the happy hour will last) with a simple flick of the finger. Now our ability to get drunk quickly and effectively is only limited to our imaginations... and our ability to sneak out of work early.

However! With great technology comes great responsibility, and one should always employ the same standard of etiquette while using Cocktail Compass as one uses when dealing with any device of similar power (say, the atomic bomb). Here are a few tips that every well-mannered drunkard should know and implement on a daily basis:

Just because there are hundreds of Happy Hours at your fingertips, doesn't mean you have to visit them all in a single afternoon. As Mary Poppins once wisely said, "Enough is as good as a feast." She also said, "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious," which you won't be able to say if you visit all the Happy Hours listed in Cocktail Compass. So... don't.

Tip your bartender generously! Just because drinks are discounted during Happy Hour doesn't mean the gratuity should be. Is the bar staff working half as hard? Then don't tip half as much. As Mary Poppins once said, "Tuppence for the birds!" (I think she was talking about bartenders. Actually, maybe she wasn't.)

And finally, drink responsibly. If one finds oneself nude, standing on top of the bar screaming "Tuppence for the birds!" then it may be time for one to use Cocktail Compass' clever "Call a Cab" feature. Put on one's clothes, take the cab home, and sleep until one forgets this day ever occurred. Oh, and be sure to leave a tuppence for the birds.

Friend, enjoy this highly useful application in fun and good health, but REMEMBER: While Cocktail Compass will help you find the booze, it's your moral compass that will keep you out of jail.