by Chris Haire
You may not know this, but the Second Amendment says you have a right to own an AR-15 assault rifle with a 100-round barrel.
And an RPG.
And a tank.
And a stealth bomber.
And a 50-megaton atomic bomb.
Oh, and most important of all, a wand from Ollivander's wand shop in Diagon Alley, preferably one that won't backfire when you cast the Cruciatus Curse.
Don't try to argue with me. I've read the Second Amendment, and it says that the right of the people to bear arms should not be infringed — ever.
More importantly, I know what the Founders' intentions were: They knew that an armed populace would keep the government's inevitable slide into tyranny at bay. After all, nothing keeps the powers that be in check like the fear of an armed uprising. Well, except for the fact that some dude wants to marry some other dude and spend the rest of his life making eye babies with his hubby. That shit really freaks them the fuck out.
Unfortunately, any armed uprising today would be squashed in a matter of days. Why? We're outgunned. Which is why you, me, and everyone we know should be able to have access to the same firepower as Uncle Sam. After all, that's what James Madison and the gang intended. And that means atomic fucking bombs, lots of them, with conceal and carry permits for every man, woman, and child. That'll teach the federal to keep their goddamn hands off our Medicare.
Sadly, that's not the world we live in. Evidently, the liberal scum in Washington wants to take away the few peashooters we're allowed to have today. And they'll go to great lengths to make sure that even those pop guns are banned. And lately they've been particularly hard at work. Or so says Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine.
See, according to Dave, a frequently relapsing junkie who believes in Area 51 conspiracies, has a hard-on for Marvel's The Punisher, and cries like a baby anytime he thinks about the day that James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich kicked him out of Metallica, President Barack Obama is behind the mass shootings in Aurora, Colo., and at the Sikh temple in Wisconson.
TMZ reports on a recent outburst by the songwriter behind "Peace Sells But Who's Buying" and "Symphony of Destruction" at a concert in Singapore:
"Back in my country, my president ... he's trying to pass a gun ban, so he's staging all of these murders, like the 'Fast And Furious' thing down at the border ... Aurora, Colo., all the people that were killed there ... and now the beautiful people at the Sikh temple."
He continued, "I don't know where I'm gonna live if America keeps going the way it's going, because it looks like it's turning into Nazi America."
Dave, I hate to break it too you man, but we are living in Nazi America. This debate over assault rifles and handguns is merely a distraction from the real problem. Until we can all walk down to the corner store and buy an A-bomb, we are being robbed of our Second Amendment rights. The jackbooters have won. Democracy lost.
And frankly, I couldn't be happier. Peace sells, but who's crying ....