by Chris Haire
I'll be the first to admit that I've made plenty of bad decisions in my life.
I googled krokodil.
I rented Ted.
I drank one too many bourbon and cokes and woke up with the mothra of all hangovers one morning, a bad decision I've made more times than I can count.
So, I'm the last guy who should be telling anybody what to do.
Of course, that's not going to stop me. I just can't help it.
And apparently, the gun rights crowd just can't seem to stop pinning their hopes and dreams on guys like Ted Nugent, Alex Jones, and Wayne LaPierre, walking-talking underwear skids that make headlines for all the wrong reasons — namely for being either a paranoid Truther with a new world order fetish (Jones) or a Tin Man replicant who was born without a heart (LaPierre) or a washed up cock rocker who sings songs about having sex with underage Girl Scouts (Nugent).
You can now add Larry Ward, chairman of Gun Appreciation Day, to the list of gun advocates who need to keep their frikkin mouths shut.
Ward was recently on CNN to defend Gun Appreciation Day on Jan. 19, a one-day call for folks to support their local gun and ammo dealers. (It's like Chic-fil-A day, but instead of rallying around a bunch of homophobes, you're supposed to exercise your Constitutional right to ignore the "well-regulated milita" part of the the Second Amendment.)
Unfortunately, things didn't work out as planned for Ward. Instead of winning converts with his winning words, he just ended up inserting his foot in his mouth and fellating his stinky piggies. Here's what he said:
I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today that if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country’s founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history.
You know, on second thought, Ward has a point. Truth be told, a lot of world history would have been radically different if only the innocent and the oppressed had been armed.
I mean, if the Israelites had owned guns, then all of that pharaoh business could have been avoided and we wouldn't have to suffer through endless, pseudo-scientific shows on the History Channel attempting to explain the parting of the Red Sea.
And if only Gandhi and his followers had been packing heat, then maybe E.T. would have won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 1982 like it should have. And if not E.T., then at least Tootsie for Pete's Sake.
And if only every single one of those murdered children at Sandy Hook Elementary School had been granted conceal-and-carry permits, then we wouldn't have to put up with any more nonsense from the the likes Larry Ward, Ted Nugent, Wayne LaPierre, and Alex Jones.
Where's a fucking looper when you need one?