by Chris Haire
Tiger Woods is the Amanda Bynes of golf.
Scratch that. He's the Lindsay Lohan of the links.
OK. That's not right either. He's the Tom Sizemore of the two wood.
Nah. How about this: Tiger Woods is the Edward Furlong of the fairway.
Much like the TMZ-staple T2 actor, Woods only makes the news when he's at the center of some controversy or a bit of celebrity chatter or a well-timed PR attack that's a mixture of the two.
Take this week's brouhaha for example, in which Spanish golfer Sergio Garcia made a racist remark about Woods, one that was ear-worm similar to Fuzzy Zoeller's white-trash gaffe.
Does it matter that Garcia made a quip about serving Tiger fried chicken? Sure it does. It's a dumbass thing to say, and until the golfing world finally shakes off the shackles of its whites-only club history, this story and any others like it will be news.
But in all honesty, once this controversy has died down, we really shouldn't have to hear about Tiger Woods again, that is unless he is caught getting his putter polished on the 18th hole of Augusta National by a trannie hooker wearing a Dorothy Gale dress.
That won't happen, of course. In the days leading up to the U.S. Open in June, Tiger Woods will dominate nearly all the coverage leading up to the major. From your local newspaper to the Mothership itself, nearly everybody will be asking the exact same question: Will Tiger win?
And they won't stop with the U.S. Open either. The same thing will happen with the British Open in July and the PGA Championship in August. And then in it'll start all over again in 2014 when the Masters rolls around.
In a way, we can forgive them. This is the same question sports journalists have been asking since Woods first turned pro, and it's a question they gotten used to asking ever since he went on a decade-long tear. The only problem is that decade-long tear ended half a decade ago.
The truth is nobody thinks Tiger will win the U.S. Open or the British or the PGA Championship. They may want him to because it'll make great copy, but every sports journalist knows he's a washed up has-been whose time has come and gone — just like Amanda Bynes, Lindsey Lohan, Tom Sizemore, and poor old Edward Furlong.