by Chris Haire
Barack Obama can go lick the mangy underside of a flea-bitten dog. He should gargle a mouthful of kidney stones and butt-chug a bottle of bed-sore sour mash. He is an utter disgrace to progressive politics and foul befouler of the Bill of Rights. He is a bag of gas from the bloated corpse of a roadkill possum that was run over by a bio-diesel-guzzling Hummer that runs on rendered fat from rotten pigs and beheaded factory farm chickens. From now on, he is nothing more than a boil on the backside of a bareback Skid Row brostitute that won't be lanced until Jan. 20, 2017, and until then it's going to throb and pulse and smell like Dead Head head cheese on smegma-smeared rye.. Fark you. Frack the NSA. Fudge the Patriot Act. And Nathan Fucking Fillion their goddamn PRISM surveillance program.
Surely, this is something that everyone here in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave can agree on.
In fact, far too many folks seem to think it's a peach of an idea.
Like Al Franken.
And the New York Times' David Brooks.
And John Boehner.
And Lindsey Graham.
And then there's Jim Clyburn, who thinks some nefarious force drummed up this entire controversy to embarrass President Obama. What the fuck, Papa Smurf?
Well, I don't think it's OK. Not in the slightest. However, there's a small chance I might change my mind, but Obama, Boehner, Clyburn, Graham, Franken, and all the other nerfherders on Captiol Hill will have to agree to be filmed 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for every week until the day they die. And all of that footage must be made available free of charge to every single member of the American public.
Think about it. This could be a bold new era in entertainment. I mean, who needs must see TV when you've got the Obama News Network and Boehnervision and ABClyburn and the Lindsey Channel and AL-MC. What red-blooded American wouldn't want to see how our elected officials behave in their most private moments? I don't know about you, but watching Michelle Obama give the POTUS a Batman Pez dispenser would be the single best thing to happen in television history. And the ratings? Why it'd be bigger than the Super Bowl.
So, who's else wants to watch John Boehner apply spray tanner? Who else wants to watch Jim Clyburn fill out the New York Times crossword puzzle? Who else wants to watch Lindsey Graham fall asleep at night reading back issues of Teen Beat?
Of course, there are going to be times when national security issues will require a temporary blackout of, let's say, the Obama News Network. But even though the channel will be dark, the cameras will still be on, filming every single moment that transpires. It'll all be stored in a secure facility of course, and responsible freedom-loving, Constitution-protecting Americans will be watching over it at all times. That way, President Obama, Lindsey Graham, and Al Franken can go to sleep at night knowing that our nation's biggest secrets are being protected.
And if for some crazy reason, they don't sleep soundly, I know that I will. I mean, Jesus Christ, man, I just watched Jim Clyburn get a colonoscopy on TV. The revulsion will be televised