by Chris Haire
Yesterday, Mitt Romney announced his plan to defeat the "jihadist threat" with perhaps the most ungodly long press release I've seen in some time. You can read it here.
However, another press release from Romney was ignored by the media. For your benefit, I'm reprinting it below:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Romney Press Shop (555) 288-6390
STRATEGY FOR A STRONGER AMERICA:
DEFEATING THE COBRA THREAT
"There is a war being waged by Cobra Commander. And if you elect me president, we're going to have a war on Cobra." – Gov. Mitt Romney
Succeeding In America and Beyond:
Gov. Romney is committed to success in America’s war against the evil forces of Cobra. At a minimum, success means not leaving behind valuable television programming time for Cobra Commander to make lisping threats to the children of America, Japan, and the rest of the television-viewing world
The Solution: Defending American children with an animated military force:
Gov. Romney will commit at least 4% of our gross domestic product to funding a new television show aimed at defeating the forces of Cobra Commander. This will not only help provide American children with the tools to resist Cobra’s anti-American propaganda, but give them the ability to complain about future feature film adaptations of said TV show and to utter the phrase, “[blank] raped my childhood.”
Gov. Romney has proposed creating a special military-themed television force called G.I. Joe to target contested homes where Cobra and other groups have made headway. In order to meet today's marketing challenges, we must create a violent animated program featuring men and women with cool sounding names, like Roadblock, Wild Bill, and Snake Eyes, and who fire blue laser rifles wildly into the air. G.I. Joe will integrate all elements of the television and toy industries — including the talents of out-of-work Hollywood B-listers and Chinese toy manufacturers who ignore industry safety standards — to work with the government to create a new cartoon that is focused on impressionable preteen boys and girls and highly integrated into the day-to-day lives of children via lunch boxes, cereal tie-ins, school supplies, Band-Aids, social networking sites.
Gov. Romney will defend America by ensuring that every child across the country has access to Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, and Kid’s CW. Across America, there are thousands of children without cable TV who need Washington’s help to subscribe to even the most basic service.
Gov. Romney will add at least 100,000 cable boxes to American households.
“If we do not meet this threat head on, Nielsen Ratings among children will plummet and so will the stocks of our media conglomerates and toy manufactures. Cobra Commander poses the greatest threat to instilling our consumerist values in our young. But now we know. And knowing is half the battle,” Romney says. “Yo Joe!”