by Chris Haire
The people have organized. They've rallied. They've raised a ruckus. They've signed on to Yahoo Groups. They've sent out tersely worded, doom-and-gloom e-mail missives based on recycled hoaxes that have been debunked countless times by Snopes.
Nothing can stop them. And this time, they will finally throw the bastards out. ¡Viva Viagra!
Or at least that's what I thought until I discovered the truth.
But if I tell you what I've learned, then I risk putting your lives in danger. Ignore what I said. There's nothing to report. Everything's fine. Move along to this week's feature on the Zombie Economy. Or turn to the Cuisine section to learn about the 25th anniversary of Fast & French.
Wait. Don't. I'm sorry. The truth must be told. Even if that means that every single person that reads this column will be targeted by the most insidious group of criminal masterminds the world has ever known. The truth will set you free, even if the end result of that freedom is a trip to the anti-government gulags. And let me tell you folks, Wasilla, Alaska, is not a place that anyone ever wants to go to. Trust me, I once got a postcard from there. Not pretty.
OK. Here goes: The swine flu was manufactured by a sinister cabal within the federal governments to effectively put an end to the tea party movement.
See, this group of nefarious evildoers — estimates place their numbers at 535 — knew all too well that a particularly virulent strain of the flu would not only spread across the country, but with the right amount of media hype, the average antibacterial Joe — particularly those who were already suffering from the delusion that President Obama was going to take away their BB guns and Super Soakers — would become too scared to attend a tax party rally. If they did, they would be forced to breathe the same air as their fellow tea baggers, many of whom would likely be infected by the porky pneumonia and the slop trough flu.
Crafty, eh? Yes. But it gets even craftier.
This group of porcine no-goodniks, whom most refer to as Congress, knew that if there's one thing that the tea baggers hate the most, it's pork. And it doesn't matter if that pork is being used to create new jobs, improve the nation's infrastructure, or prevent the swine flu from becoming a pandemic pig sty. The Tax Day Tea Partiers want no part of that sort of thing. Some, however, may argue that's A-OK to use Uncle Sam's money to make sure that the only Pedro in South Carolina is the one who wears a neon-lit sombrero and stands 97 feet tall. But as a general rule, government spending is as bad as a Christmas ham left in the fridge until the middle of July.
For weeks, the tea parties dominated cable news, talk radio, and partisan internet sites. But now, the valiant efforts of the teatotallers who risked a personal day off of work to protest pork barrel spending have been all but forgotten. Congress has beaten them like Jack and his band of teenage savages pummelled poor, defenseless, asthmatic Piggie. The cable TV conch shell has been shattered. It's all swine, all the time. And it's only going to get worse. And much closer to home.
Consider this: Days ago in hurricane-free Newberry, a private school closed its doors after a handful of students fell ill. Although we've been unable to confirm this, reports indicate that today, the number of children in Charleston complaining of headaches, nausea, and test anxiety has skyrocketed.
You've been warned: Your child may be next on the pig's list. And once it's got your children, you might be next. That's all, folks.