by Chris Haire
I am disappointed in President Obama.
It's certainly not the first time, that's for sure. Hell, I'm still steaming he didn't invite me to the Beer Summit.
But this time, he's gone too far. By releasing his birth certificate, he's done gone and ruined a perfectly good conspiracy theory. The bastard.
I don't know about you, but I live for conspiracies. The political ones are the best.
The assassination of JFK.
The death of Vince Foster.
The truth about 9/11.
The phantom who filled out Nikki Haley's job application at Lexington Medical.
The unlikely election of Alvin Greene.
Atlas Shrugged's poor performance at the box office.
These are the things that make following politics bearable. That is if you don't believe them.
If you do, well, then the world you live in is a frikkin nightmare, one in which your next door neighbor has tapped your phone and the local Rotary Club is actually a front organization Al Qaida.
I don't know about you, but I saw Enemy of the State with Will Smith. It was not a good movie. And neither was The Net with Sandy Bullock. They were both horrible.
As for me, I prefer comedy. And for what it's worth, the Birthers were the best comedy troupe in the biz today. Seriously, I can't be the only one who thought that Orly Taitz was the comedic love child of Madeline Kahn and Imogene Coca. Ooh, the funny accents that Orly could do. She made me laugh until I peed my pants each and every time she took the mic. I will miss her. Now what am I going to do with that box Depends?
Although Orly's time in the spotlight has come to an end, the same cannot be said for Donald Trump. He's a bigger star than ever. And quite honestly, that's saying a lot. I not only read Art of the Deal, I even owned Trump the Game ... and I liked it.
Truth be told, if the Donald actually runs for the GOP presidential nomination, I will vote for him. And if he actually wins, I promise you right here and now, I will vote for him and not Obama.
And it's not because I think his business acumen will help turn this country around. And it's not because I think his need to plaster his name and face on nearly every building and product in American will make dictators around the world feel inadequate.
I just want to watch him to look out at both Houses of Congress during the State of the Union and tell them, "You're fired!" The look on his face when they don't leave the House chambers will be priceless.
Truth be told, I really only voted for Obama because I wanted to see what the world was like with a black guy as president. No, really, I did. The problem is, it hasn't been that different from what it was with a white guy in power.
And, you know what, that's fine.
Or at least it was until Obama had to go and ruin it.
And fuck you, too, Salon, for putting an end to Trig Truthism. Now, I've got to go back to giving a damn.