by Chris Haire
7:07 Obama enters. I don't know about you, but I'm ready for this little bit of DC kabuki. It's funny listening to the anchors act as if they haven't read the script.
7:09 Man, I think I really nailed this ginger and bourbon. Frikkin tasty.
7:09 Obama: "Tonight we meet at an urgent time." Which is ironic since it's a speech that was two and a half years in the making.
7:10 Really. I don't know about you but I sure as hell didn't grow up in an America where I believed that everybody got their fair share.
7:11 Actually, I kind of like the political circus.
7:12 The American Jobs Act. Really. That's the best you've got. I'm getting bored already.
7:13 And on the seventh day, there was much clapping.
7:14 Obama: "You should pass this jobs plan right away." Hmm. I feel like I'm watching an infomerical. "Act now for an extra set of set knives."
7:15 Wait. If my salary goes up tomorrow, my boss will get a tax break. I hope he's watching this thing.
7:15 Obama's talking repairing roads. Hmm. Waiting to hear about the Crosstown. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed.
7:17 No baby, that bottle was not for you.
7:18 OMG. I can't believe it, but everything that Wolf Blitzer has been talking about for the past hour is coming true.
7:19 Does anybody else think McCain looks a little like Toad in Mario Brothers?
7:20 Obama: "Pass this bill"? Hmm. It doesn't really have the same ring to it as "I have a dream."
7:21 Let me get this straight: Obama grabbed a bunch of Republican bills, cobbled them together, and created the American Jobs Act. He's like the Girl Talk of politics.
7:23 Obama: "The American Jobs Act will not add to the deficit." Here's how ... wait ... baby, no. Stay away from the Beam. Ugh. Silly baby.
7:24 Medicare and Medicaid. Oh oh.
7:25 The rich. Oh oh.
7:26 Obama: "We need a tax code where everybody gets a fair shake and everybody gets their fair share."
7:27 He's advocating eliminating corporate tax loopholes, something Mark French and Richard Todd have advocated.
7:28 Man, I'm glad I'm not taking a shot everytime Obama says, "Pass this bill." Because I'd be so hammered I'd be sexting Nikki Haley right now.
7:29 Obama: "We all have to up our game."
7:31 Speeding up the patent process? Really?
7:32 Geez, dude. Why you got to keep dissing South Korea?
7:33 Does anybody else feel like they're watching a calisthenics class at an old folks' home. All that standing and sitting, you know.
7:34 Fuck, my glass is on empty. I need another round.
7:35 Obama: I won't let this economic crisis be used to wipe out the protection that Americans have been used to for decades.
7:36 Let's show the unions that we love them. Thanks for the donation.
7:37 Personally, I like a race for the bottom. Then again, I'm a top.
7:37 Oh oh. Obama cited Republican president ... Abraham Fucking Lincoln. I hope Jack Hunter's not there. He's gonna be real frikkin mad.
7:38 Steve Case. Seriously. That's so Geocities 199-frikking-6.
7:39 Where's that damn baby and that bourbon?
7:40 Obama: "The next election is 14 months away, and the people that elected us don't have the luxury of waiting 14 months." ... of course, that hasn't stopped us from campaigning for the past six.
7:41 Oh oh. Dropping some Kennedy for Democrats = Dropping some Reagan for Republicans.
7:42 Meh. Bring on the frikkin football. Go Green Bay.P.S. The terrorists got themselves a UHaul. We are all doomed. Pass this bill. P.S.S. That baby better put down the bottle now or we're gonna tussle.