by Chris Haire
I didn't watch this week's GOP debate as intently as I should have. Honestly, I didn't know which TV to focus on. The one on the right or the one on the left. So I closed my left eye and focused on the TV on the right. Unfortunately, it was bouncing all over the place. So, I just closed my eyes and listened.
That said, I saw enough of it to come up with a few general impressions.
Hermain Cain is black.
Newt Gingrich is fat.
Rick Santorum is Dan Savage's bitch.
Michele Bachmann is a Sunday School dominatrix with a head of Dark Helmet hair.
John Huntsman has really poor taste in ties.
Mitt Romney needs to go with a lighter bronzer.
Ron Paul doesn't have a chance in hell, but he is the only ideologue with an ideology worth adopting.
And Rick Perry is a wrinkled dick.
Oh. I mean, a wrinkled-faced dick.
Wait. Wait. That's not right. I don't want anybody to think I'm actually talking about anatomy here. I'm not.
What to say? What to say?
He's a leather-faced Lone Star asshole.
I know, I know. Some folks like the fact that he's got a grizzled, take-no-shit attitude, the kind that made Clint Eastwood a star.
And well, there's a time and place for that. It works when you're trying to get a pack of no-good kids off your lawn, but not so well when its tea time with the Chinese. That's when restraint and subtlety matters and wag-your-fucking-finger indignation won't do.
If this week's debate is any indication, Perry has mastered the latter and failed at the former.
Consider these photos of Perry which are currently making waves on the interwebs.
The first, from Reuters, is particularly damning.
See Perry's left hand as it's gripping Ron Paul by the wrist? Yeah. Not good. In fact, Perry better be glad that Paul was his locker-room target and not Vladimir Putin. That dude wrestles tigers and shit.
Or this one from the Guardian that has gotten folks talking about Perry:
Or this one:
I don't know about you, but there's a reason why these photos (by Mario Anzuoni/Reuters, Mike Nelson/EPA, and Jae C Hong/AP, respectively) are being talked about. Me, I'm glad we're talking about this now and not later. Perry may be fit to be the chief Lone Starfish of Texas, but he's not ready for 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.