by Chris Haire
Not even a heaping plate of Spam and eggs can help me get over this malaise, this soul-crushing realization that we as a nation are doomed.
And it has nothing to do with the economy.
Or the Mickey Mouse Club known as Al-Qaeda.
Or Terra Nova.
Yeah, I watched it. And by that I mean the first 30 minutes of it. Fox's dinosaur epic is an insipid piece of Speilbergian schmaltz and Party of Five-style family melodrama.
I mean, who the fuck thinks that it's a good idea to travel back in time to an era they know all too well comes to a crashing end with an extinction-level event — all in an effort to rebuild human civilization?
And who the hell thinks it's right smart for their three year old to hand-feed a brachiosaurus? I mean, just because something is a motherlovin' herbivore doesn't mean it won't freak out and kill you? Have you ever seen a stampede of cattle? Did you know that hippos kill more people in Africa than lions?
And what kind of douchebag emo-teen travels back in time 75 million frikkin' years and then immediately skips school to hang out with the resident bad girl? You know, you'd think he'd at least take a little time to actually digest the fact that he just jumped 75 million fucking years into the past. But no. He gets all lonely-boy sex nuts and goes traipsing off with a young hottie oblivious to the fact that he's living in the Jurassic Age and not High School Effin' Musical.
And worst of all, who the hell thought that a human civilization would be so technologically advanced that they would be able to build a time machine, but they wouldn't know how grow a frikkin' orange in a hydroponics lab? Jeez man, we can already do that shit.
I'll tell you who? The writers of Terra Nova, that's who.
Seriously, folks, this is the dumbest show ever. And I have seen Jersey Shore. Hell, Snooki displays more wit and intelligence than the scriptwriters for Terra Nova.
Of course, that's not what has me down. I expected the show to suck balls.
I'm bummed because I've just realized for the first time that all of our elected officials are morons. Absolute idiots. Dimwits of the first order.
This dimwittery crosses party lines. Maxine Waters and Michele Bachmann. Sarah Palin and Joe Biden. Rick Perry and Anthony Weiner. And that's just a small sample. Like I said, they are all idiots, and they are all assholes for wasting our time. And yes, I'm looking at you Barack "My Balls Haven't Dropped Yet" Obama.
And right here in South Carolina, we have the biggest moron of them all: Nikki Haley.
Now, I know what Haley says she stands for. I know she says she wants greater governmental transparency. I know that she says she wants to reform government. I know that she says she's for fiscal responsibility.
I'm all for those things. I may be socially liberal, but I'm fiscally conservative. Always have been. Always will be.
But Haley isn't really for those things. In fact, her entire reign has been nothing but one hypocritical move after another. And you know what the worst part is? Haley is seemingly unaware of her own hypocrisy.
Take this Sept. 25 Facebook post from Haley for example: "The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment."
As I wrote back to Haley then and I'm writing to you now, are you shitting me?
This is a woman who can't handle one single bit of criticism.
She calls a reporter who wrote an extremely fair and informative article about the governor's Paris trip a "little girl." And then in her so-called apology, she chastises the reporter for being a bad journalist.
And when Fox affiliate WACH ran a report on one of Haley's enemies — Will Folks — the governor took to Facebook to blast the news organization, calling it a tabloid outfit.
And then there's the way Gov. Haley has behaved to state Treasurer Curtis Loftis. When Loftis notified Haley that the SCDOT owed millions to contractors, the governor first ignored him and then later scolded him like a school marm when he brought up the embarrassing matter at a meeting.
See, if there is one thing that Nikki Haley can't handle it's negativity. Which is why South Carolina's narcissist in chief has demanded that all state employees — and I do mean each and every single one of them — answers the phone with "It's a great day in South Carolina. How can I help you?"
I mean ...
It's just so ...
Honestly, I'm at a loss for words. A total bang-my-head-against-the-wall loss.
Ah, what the hell. Here goes.
As I've said before Nikki Haley is a ball of positivity, a wave of enthusiasm, a motherfucking fount of optimism, a Borderline Pollyanna Disorder patient, who probably spends a good chunk of every single day staring at her own Zod damn reflection in the mirror chanting Stuart Smalley-style self-help mantras. And you know what she does after that? Diddly squat. Nada. Zilch. Zip.
That is but display her rank arrogance and her amateur-hour efforts at governing a state.
And do you know who I blame?
I blame the Post and Courier. They endorsed her.
I blame Richard Todd at The Morning Buzz. He talked her up.
I blame my parents.
I blame my in-laws.
I blame every single person who didn't vote for Vincent Sheheen.
You were told that Haley is a liar. You were told that she was a cheat. You were told that she was a con artist. And yet you still voted for her.
And now the entire state of South Carolina has found itself in the middle of the stupidest story ever, the most puke-inducing plot of all time. Because I'll tell you, the Nikki Haley story makes Terra Nova look like Shakespeare.
Then again, we could have Beverly Perdue as our governor. This Democrat governor of North Carolina recently announced that perhaps we should suspend Congressional elections until we get out of our current financial crisis. And you know what the worst part is? She wasn't joking.
I don't know about you, but I sure as hell hope Nikki Haley isn't taking any lessons from her colleague to the north. I sure as hell don't want to DVR that shit.