by Chris Haire
I've seen a lot of stupid things on TV.
Mother May I Sleep with Danger.
The final 15 minutes of the first season of Heroes.
Anything with Will Arnett in it after Arrested Development.
The continued career of Hank Azaria.
Those doggone Fox NFL robots.
Anytime Jenny McCarthy is on a talk show discussing the dangers of vaccines as if she had received a Ph.d in microbiology instead of a bachelor's STDs inside the Playboy Mansion grotto.
But the second season opener to The Walking Dead is right up there.
For starters, the writers of the show decided that the ideal way to avoid being eaten by a zombie is to hide under a car.
Yep. It's that simple.
If you see a zombie, just crawl under the nearest SUV and, I don't know, twiddle your thumbs and wait it out as the walking dead walks on by.
Now what is particularly offensive about this is how hiding under the car violates a rule that was establish in the first season: zombies can smell human beings.
If you recall, in one episode Rick and company covered themselves in the body parts of the living dead in order to move through a crowd of flesheaters.
But that little rule is conveniently forgotten when our cast of survivors comes across a zombie horde on a roadblocked interstate. They have nowhere to go and not enough zombie parts to fashion a skin flute sheath much less a leisure suit.
Normally, I might be inclined to forgive this inconsistency, but The Walking Dead already has two other strikes against it.
One, nothing happens.
Yes. They drive, they camp, they engage in the kind of over-the-top melodrama that earns Emmys. But nothing truly happens. The plot isn't advanced, and the characters don't change or grow. The show is an exercise in stagnation and tedium. Oh. And bad Southern accents.
Two, the characters are unmemorable.
Rick is a one-note Boy Scout.
Shane is a brokenhearted bore.
And Lori has all the charisma of a beanpole.
As for the rest, hell, I don't even know their names. Truth be told, I didn't even know Lori and Shane's names until I looked them up on IMDB. Clearly, this isn't Jack, Kate, Sawyer we have here. Or heck, even Scarecrow and Mrs. King.
Hell, the only character I actually like on The Walking Dead is the Morgan, the father who Rick meet in the first episode. The one who couldn't shoot his zombie wife. And the thing is, we haven't seen him since.
However, cardboard characters are the creations of hack writers. They aren't stupid in and of themselves.
Stupid is approaching a stag in the forest, one with a set of antlers that could disembowel a man with a single swipe.
Stupid is letting your 10 year old son approach said stag with the set of pointy antlers that could rip you a new one.
Stupid is crafting this encounter as a bit of Spielbergian schmaltz and then using it to set up a shocking cliffhanger.
I don't know about you, but the writers of The Walking Dead need to take some advice from the living dead and go in search of some motherfucking brains.
But none of that is nearly as stupid as Occupy Columbia's decision to hold a zombie walk. I mean, that's like so 2008.
However, that hasn't stopped organizers from hosting a zombie walk today Oct. 22 at 8 p.m.
Here's the official press release:
The participants of Occupy Columbia are celebrating one week of the occupation on Saturday, October 22. A public invitation is extended to all. Citizens are encouraged to gather at the State House grounds at 8pm for our "Nightmare on Main Street, USA" march into the Vista. Afterwards, there will be a dance on the lawn. Zombie costumes encouraged. No alcohol or drugs in attendance, please.
Hmm, I don't know about you, but nothing says revolution like a zombie-themed dance party.