by Chris Haire
For those of you with sensitive eyes, consider this a warning. Look away now. Seriously, look away.
Really. I'm serious.
Avert your eyes.
Go back to Facebook.
Check your Twitter account.
Look up videos of hiccuping girls.
Honestly, I don't care what you do. Just look away now. I can't hold back.
OK. Here goes:
Nikki Haley, what the fuck is wrong with you?
What in the holy fucking hell is the matter?
Why can't you stop lying? For the love of God, lady, why? Why? Why? Why?
Is it because you simply get confused?
Is it because you crack under pressure?
Is it because you are simply the most inept con artist in a state government filled with them?
As I've said before, you aren't the most corrupt politician South Carolina has ever known. You're just the worst at it.
I mean ...
I mean ...
I mean ...
Breath real fucking deep.
Take another swig from the bottle.
Tastes good, doesn't it.
Take another swing.
Of course you do.
Where was I?
Oh yeah. Nikki Haley what the fuck is wrong with you?
Look, it's pretty clear that something funny went down with this whole Savannah Ports deal. Vincent Sheheen and Leon Stavrinakis wouldn't be FOIA-ing documents relating to all of this if there wasn't. These are not two kneejerk kind of guys. These are not two shit-starters. If they were, Sheheen would have been relentlessly attacked you leading up to Election Day 2010. But he didn't. He played nice. Pussy. And because of his timidity we're now stuck with you.
But today, you had your chance to set the record straight. To prove to the world that all of this Savannah Port business was bullshit, that you didn't take a few donations from a few Georgia donors and then force the DHEC board, each one of them your appointees, to flip-flop on an earlier ruling forbidding the Peach State to dredge the Savannah River, thereby putting your own state's interests at risk, both financially and environmentally. And yet you couldn't.
Instead, you stepped up to your podium and you lied.
You had to go and say this: "No one related to the ports gave. These are people like Motorola and GE. And companies that we do business with. There were no ties to the ports."
I mean, didn't you realize that a even a half-drunk journalist like myself — and believe you me, I've been pounding them since I got off work — would hop on the internet and check your facts?
Didn't you realize that someone would discover that the firm that hosted the fundraiser at their offices, McKenna, Long, and Aldridge, specializes in port-related legal activity?
Didn't you realize that even a guy whose seeing double would discover that a partner at that firm, Keith Mason, was a former Chairman of the Board of the Georgia Ports Authority?
Didn't you realize that the donation that you received from the firm's political action committee would be seen for what it is?
Why, I ask you God, why have we, the good people of South Carolina, been burdened with such rank incompetence?
And then, and then, and then .... oh ... it gets even worse.
But before I get to that, I want you to read Nikki's statement one more time: "No one related to the ports gave. These are people like Motorola and GE. And companies that we do business with. There were no ties to the ports."
Well, here's the thing: neither Motorola nor GE donated squat to Haley at the Georgia fundraiser. Nada. Zilch. Zip.
I know what you are thinking: Why would Haley say GE and Motorola donated when they didn't? Honestly, I don't know. I wish I did. I really do. Because perhaps there's something we could do. Maybe we could stage an intervention. Or read her a few passages from the Purpose Driven Life or some self-help bullshit like that.
Seriously, Nikki Haley, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Here's the Haley-Port press conference. The magic happens around the 4:48 minute mark.