by Chris Haire
I know it may seem like eons ago — especially to all the youngsters out there — but there was a time when the 2012 battle for the GOP presidential nomination was not focused on the never-ending locker slap-fight between Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum.
Yes, it's hard to imagine a time when Mitt wasn't ripping out Newt's hair, Newt wasn't clawing at Mitt's eyes, and Santorum wasn't busy being the third, lesser-appreciated Heather, but there was a time when it wasn't like this. And for a brief part of it we were all talking about Herman Cain.
I know, I know, I'd forgotten about him too, and I'd forgotten that he was once the Republican frontrunner.
Well, I'm pleased to report that Herman Cain is back. And no, I don't mean that he's returning to the campaign trail. That'll never happen, at least as long as Cain continues to carrying on the sad charade that marred the end of his presidential dreams. (Note to all future straight-shooting candidates: You can't market yourself as the tell-it-like-it-is candie and then get caught in one lie after enough. If you're not listening this bit of advice, Nikki Haley, you should.)
Instead, the one-time talk radio host Cain is returning to the airwaves, which is where his brand of empty, Amway-salesman blowhardery works best — well, that is except for inside convention center halls across America where self-helpless white collar professionals hand over their hard-earned cash for Kitchen Soup for the Corporate Soul-Sucking-Asshole aphorisms. Starting Fri. Feb. 17, the Cain Train will be subbing for Neal Boortz on The Neal Boortz Show. (You'll be able to hear Cain locally on 1250 WTMA from 10 a.m.-1 p.m. But tune in before then for The Morning Buzz with Richard Todd; Todd returns to the mic tomorrow Feb. 16. We love you, Richard.)
Here's what Cain has say about the announcement:
“Mr. Boortz may be the ‘Mighty Whitey’, but as his listeners know I’m the 'The Dean of the University of Common Sense.’ and I’m color blind,” joked Cain of his old friend and radio colleague. “I spent three years hosting my own talk show at WSB. It will be good to be back ‘home’. I promise that Boortz’s listeners will not be disappointed.”
In fact, listeners will be treated to Mr. Cain’s startling take on President Obama’s newly proposed budget. “I have this budget pegged for the atrocity that it is, in just three numbers,” Cain said. “And they’re not 9-9-9.
"9-9-9"? Geez oh Petes, is he still peddling that pile of unicorn poop? I mean, it may be all rainbowy and sparkly but it's still shit. Ugh.