by Chris Haire
Sammy, buddy, you fucked up.
Look, I don't care about the reefer. There ain't nothing fucked up about that. That's what college kids do. Hell, that's what a heckuva lot of adults do.
And in this day and age we all know that a little puff-puff pass ain't going doom you to a life of living in flop houses and giving head back behind a Piggly Wiggly dumpster.
In this day and age, you can blow through a line of coke and get elected president. One president would be an exception, but we've had two ex-tooters in chief.
The point is you didn't fuck up by smoking a little kind bud.
The problem is you didn't talk to me.
Seriously, man, I'm really easy to get in touch with. Sending an email is easy. For future reference, it's firstname.lastname@example.org.
Anyhow, if you had dropped me a line, this is what I would've told you:
1. Don't fucking smoke in the car. You are not a transient. You're a football player with a scholarship and the finest team of tutors that alumni can buy. You guys have your own dining hall for crying out loud.
2. Don't drive a car with tinted windows. Aside from politicians and various other VIPS, the only people other people who have tinted windows are assholes who are up to no good. You may as well have put a goddamn Deadhead sticker on your car or gotten a vanity plate that said THUGLIFE.
3. A Cadillac? Really, man? You're driving around town in a Cadillac. I sure as hell hope the NCAA infraction committee doesn't hear about this. That kind of shit got Clemson busted in 1982.
4. Consider changing your major. I read what you reportedly told the cops and then you told the press. You are a communications major. Learn how to craft a viable excuse or keep your mouth shut. Then again, what am I saying, we all know that all the star athletes at Clemson are communications majors. It's the one major where you practically never have to fucking write anything. All you do is give speeches.
5. Never ever consent to a search. They will find something. Even if it's between your butt cheeks.
6. Remain calm. Nothing will happen to you. At the very worst, you'll miss the first quarter of the home opener. After that, everything else is just a season-long tryout for the NFL.
7. Get a frikkin' pipe, man. Something that keeps the smoke to a minimum. Blunts are for brazen idiots who want to send smoke signals to everyone within a two block radius that they are blazing up.