by Chris Haire
For a while there, Nikki Haley was on Mitt Romney’s short list of potential VP candidates, but after a series of face-first stumbles and a rather depressing approval rating at home, the South Carolina governor has fallen to the back of the pack. That is if she’s still being considered at all.
Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal is still in the running, but he has a few major drawbacks. One, he botched the televised Republican response to President Barack Obama’s February 2009 speech on the American Recovery Act. Two, he’s a dweeb with all the charisma of a Fleshlight Ken doll.
And then there’s Marco Rubio, the Jim DeMint-approved Florida Tea Party darling. He’s on the short list too, but once he got in office, he quickly sloughed off his tea-bagging skin and revealed to everyone that he was just another war-party neocon snake, angering his original base of Tea Party supporters.
Of course, these aren’t the only three people who’ve been pitched as a potential Romney veep, but there’s something about them that illustrates the Republicans’ strategy to retake the White House, namely that they hope to beat Obama at his own game. And that game is racial diversity.
See, from the Republican point of view, the Democrats have finally managed to get a darkie in the White House, and, well, they want one of their own. Unfortunately, they can’t just go out and buy one like they used to — and believe you me, there are plenty GOPers who wish they could — so the Republican Party has to actually find somebody who will turn their backs on their fellow darker-skinned brothers and sisters and shuck and jive for the white-power wing of the American body politic. Fortunately, Cuban-American Rubio and Haley and Jindal, both Indian Americans, fit the bill.
Unfortunately, all three are flawed candidates. What the GOP needs is a white knight, a pure and virtuous candidate who carries absolutely no baggage. And it appears that they’ve found him, er, her in Condoleezza Rice. And honestly, it’s frikkin brilliant proposition. Former Secretary of State Rice is one of the few individuals to make it out of the Bush administration with her reputation intact and unsullied. She’s not only a universally admired GOP VIP, she’s the Republican Princess Diana. That said, picking Rice is a stroke of genius for reasons you might not realize.
Contrary to what some pundits may say, if Rice ends up on the ticket with Romney, she won’t bring a legion of African Americans with her. The ones that vote for the Democrats — and that’s most — will not be abandoning their party anytime soon. The GOP has too much to atone for in their Southern Strategy, racist-courting past. And while Rice may swing a few more white women to vote for a Republican president, the numbers are likely to be negligible, especially considering the disastrous and ill-timed War on Women the GOP has been waging for nearly all of 2012. Seriously, who in the holy hell thought that what the American people wanted was a ban on birth control pills? Idiots.
However, where the inclusion of Rice on the GOP ticket matters most is in the disheartened hearts of the Republican voters, the ones who aren’t excited about Romney and frankly just might not make it out on Election Day, with or without the assistance of their Medicare-funded motorized wheelchairs. For these folks, Rice is an inspiration. And it’s not because of her achievements. They couldn’t care less about that. What matters most is that Rice will once and for all let all of America know that the Republican Party isn’t just for disgruntled white guys — rich, middle-class, or leaving a lazy ass indention in the couch. All are welcome. Blacks, Latinos, and all the other racial and ethnic minorities. In other words, it allows members of the GOP to go on national TV and proclaim with straight fucking faces, “We’re not racist.” And believe you me, this is something that Republicans want very, very badly.
After all, in a country where whites are rapidly losing their majority status, the quicker the GOP is able to transform itself into a party that celebrates all races, the better. Their future depends on it.