by Chris Haire
At heart, I'm a rebel.
There isn't a single line I haven't crossed, from jaywalking to speeding to giving the president of the United States the ole middle finger salute from the comfort of my recliner. Heck, I've even opened my eyes during the Lord's Prayer and looked around at all of the other non-believers in church who had their eyes open too.
But this whole secession thing? Well, it's about as stupid as eating a bowl of Lucky Charms without any marshmallows.
It's about as dumb as a My Dinner With Andre porn parody.
It's about as idiotic as trying to argue that the modern Republican Party wasn't built by race-baiting Southern whites and teasing Christian fundies with promises of reversing Roe v. Wade only to give those poor suckers a case of Blue State blue balls.
Simply put, if South Carolina seceded from the Union, as the signers of a much-publicized online petition want, things here in the Palmetto State would get real ugly real fast. And when I say ugly, I'm talking as dog nasty as Karl Rove's pimpled bare bottom after his 2012 Election Day spanking.
Make no mistake, here's what would happen:
The U.S. military would pull out of the Palmetto State, and with it 140,000 jobs and $16 billion from the state economy would disappear.
As for all of that highway dough that our state depends on to build roads? Well, that money would go away too.
And the Social Security checks that your grandma and grandpa need to get by? Can you say rest in peace?
And the local radio stations you listen to and the hometown television stations you watch? Have you heard of the FCC? You can be damn sure that they'd would shut down those stations right fast, that is if the media conglomerates that owned them hadn't already canceled them.
And the internet? Maybe you know this, maybe you don't, but the federal government created the information super highway and they ultimately control it. You can expect that to go bye-bye on Day Fucking One.
And the Medicare and Medicaid benefits you enjoy? I hope you aren't surprised when that prescription is canceled.
And the federal grants that local police and fire departments depend on to protect and serve your sorry ass? They'd vanish without a trace.
And that's just for starters.
The point is, we'd be as fucked as Rick Grimes and his pals after the zombie apocalypse. The world as we know it would disappear and all that we hold dear would be in jeopardy. And it wouldn't be too long after that before everyone turned on each other.
Now, I know there are more than a few survivalist bastards out there who have a boner for the End Times. To these sickos, all the world's just a stage on a first-person shooter that has to be beaten. But for the rest of us, the end of days ain't nothing to look forward to. It'll blow — hard. Like Dick Morris trying to give a morale-boosting rise to Mitt Romney's limp presidential campaign.
Face it, folks, we're too dependent on Uncle Sam to ever pull our pouting lips away from his hairy teat. Which is why all of these pro-secession yokels need to suck it and get on with their lives.