by Chris Haire
The neoconservative movement is filled with Chicken Littles. There's not a crisis out there on the world stage that isn't two ticks from the doomsday clock away from unleashing all matter of unholy hell on the good people of the United States.
Whether it's from North Korea or Iran or Al Fucking Qaeda, an attack on the U.S. is always nearly nigh and nearly always imminent.
And when it comes to the neocon chicken hawkers, South Carolina senator Lindsey Graham is one of the biggest pants pissers among a circle jerk of news-cycle pants pissers. Take Graham's speech on the floor of the Senate last week as an example.
Evidently, Linsdey was all in a tizzy because President Barack Obama might finally fulfill one of his 2008 campaign promises: the closing of Guantanamo Bay.
You know the place I'm talking about. It's that high-security prison where we keep Doc Ock, the Vulture, Electro, Kraven the Hunter, Mysterio, the Sandman, and anyone else who has ever been a member of the Sinister Six. As for the Legion of Doom, well, we've got a place for them too. It's called Ohio.
Well, Graham doesn't like this. In fact, he's right PO'ed. See, if Gitmo closes, some of those nogoodniks might be shipped to the Naval Consolidated Brig Charleston. In the ever-scary world of Lindsey Graham, if that happens, then, um, I'm not sure exactly what he thinks will happen. Al Qaeda will suicide bomb a marketplace in Baghdad. They'll fire an RPG at a U.S. jet in Afghanistan. They'll hole up in a lux little house in Pakistan, pound sodas all day long, and watch a porn parody of "The Innocence of Muslims" until they go blind. Your guess is as good as mine.
Anyhow, here's what the Central, S.C., chicken hawk had to say:
Simply stated, the American people don't want to close Guantánamo Bay, which is an isolated, military-controlled facility, to bring these crazy bastards that want to kill us all to the United States. Most Americans believe that the people at Guantánamo Bay are not some kind of burglar or bank robber. They are bent on our destruction. And I stand with the American people that we're under siege, we're under attack, and we're at war.
Wait. Wait. Wait. We're under siege? We're under attack? Call me crazy but I haven't heard an air-raid siren go off in, well, fucking forever. And honestly, I can't remember the last time Al Qaeda launched a Stateside drone strike. Maybe that's what happened to the Galliard. That place is in shambles. In fact, it's such a fucking wreck, I think I'm going start calling it LiLo. Seriously, did you see "Liz and Dick"?
I don't know about you, but if this what life in wartime America is like, then I say bring on the Mayan apocalypse. I think this end of the world thing just might be manageable after all.