by Chris Haire
Yesterday was hell. When the internet went down all across Charleston, I was absolutely sure that the end of days had finally arrived, but then I checked the calendar on my iPhone and I realized that was still a little ways off. I know this because I have read the Holy City Scriptures, and I rather sadly aware of what Jobs has in story for the food porn paparazzi, commentary trolls, social media narcissists, and other internet fiends that call Charleston home. And it’s not good. Another Comcastrophe is coming, and it’ll be even worse than the first.
The Revelation of Comcast IX
1 The fifth angel composed a tweet, and I saw a star that had fallen from the sky to the earth. The star was given the key to cut a Comcast fiber optic Cable. 2 When he cut the Cable, smoke rose from it like the smoke from a big bong hit. The sun and sky were darkened by the smoke from the Cable. 3 And out of the smoke locusts came down on the earth and were given power like that of scorpions of the earth. 4 They were told not to harm the cell towers or any wifi networks or competing ISPs, but only those people who had the seal of Comcast on their foreheads. 5 They were not allowed to kill them but only to torture them for nine hours without internet service. And the agony they suffered was like that of the sting of a scorpion when it strikes. 6 During those days people will seek death but will not find it; they will long to die, but death will elude them. At the very least, they will compose tweets of their own bemoaning the fact that they can’t watch Arrested Development.
7 The locusts looked like horses prepared for battle. On their heads they wore something like satellite TV dishes, and their faces resembled keyboards. 8 Their hair was like ethernet cables, and their teeth were like broken smart phone screens. 9 They had breastplates like laptop covers, and the sound of their wings was like the sound of a modem dialing into hell. 10 They had tails with stingers, like scorpions, and in their tails they had power to torment people for nine hours. 11 They had as king over them the dark angel of the Cut Cable, whose name in Hebrew is Incompetence and in Greek is Jackassery and in American is Eric Holder.
12 The first woe is past; two other woes are yet to come.
13 The sixth angel composed a tweet, and I heard a voice coming from the four smart phone on the golden altar that is before Jobs. 14 He said to the sixth angel who had composed the tweet, “Release the four angels who are bound at the great river Cooper.” 15 And the four angels who had been kept ready for this very hour and day and month and year were released to wipe out cable service for a third of mankind. 16 The number of the incompetent Comcast contractors was twice ten thousand times ten thousand. I heard their number.
17 The horses and riders I saw in my vision looked like this: Their breastplates were the color of the Blue Screen of Death. The heads of the horses resembled the heads of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, and out of their mouths came smoke from fried motherboards and power surges. 18 A third of all cable access was destroyed by the plagues of fried motherboards, power surges, and genuine incompetence that came out of their mouths. 19 The power of the horses was in their mouths and in their tails; for their tails were like the Huffington Post Sideboob page, having paparazzi pics with which they inflict injury on Hollywood starlets and pop tarts.
20 The rest of mankind who were not killed by these plagues still did not repent of the work of their hands; they did not stop worshiping the internet, and their own well constructed online identities and brands — identities that cannot see or hear or walk. 21 Nor did they repent of their comment board trolling, their snap chats, their visits to PornHub, or their illegal downloads. And Jobs was not happy.
And the bad times don't end there. Read on. But I must warn you, it gets worse.
The Revelation of Comcast XIII
11 Then I saw a second Cable, coming out of the earth. It promised that Comcast cares about our calls, but it spoke like a robot. 12 It exercised all the authority of the first Cable on its behalf, and made the earth and its inhabitants worship the first Cable, whose fatal wound had been healed. 13 And it performed great signs, even causing Daft Punk’s latest album to come down from the cloud to the earth in full view of the people. 14 Because of the signs it was given power to perform on behalf of the first Cable, it deceived the inhabitants of the earth. It ordered them to set up a Cable Modem in honor of the Cable who was wounded by the sword and yet lived. 15 The second Cable was given power to give breath to the image of the first Cable, so that the Cable Modem could speak and cause all who refused to worship the image to be denied internet service. 16 It also forced all people, great and small, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hands or on their foreheads, 17 so that they could not access the internet unless they had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of its name.
18 This calls for wisdom. Let the person who has insight calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of the Comcast customer service line. That number is 1-800-XFINITY .