by Chris Haire
As some of you know, I'm wrapping up a novel about a vile and disgusting villain named Wyatt Duvall. He's a man of seemingly limitless resources and a never-ending supply of sociopathic guile. He's a horrible horrible man.
The Many Crimes of Wyatt Duvall, Archmotherfucker, tells his story, often in the form of newspaper articles and the like. Over the years, I've found that this particular format has allowed me to comment on issues in ways that I couldn't within the confines of a column, which sadly must express my personal viewpoint on any given issue with at least some smidgen of honesty. Sigh.
Not surprisingly, the particular style has been on my mind quite a bit lately, and so, I've decided to address the immigration reform debate in a way that only Wyatt Duvall can. Cheers.
U.S. Sen. Wyatt Duvall unveils controversial immigration reform plan
(Knight-Rider) — Washington, D.C. In a move that rocked the U.S. Senate, freshman Sen. Wyatt Duvall (Slumber Party-S.C.) shocked both his Republican and Democratic colleagues at the Capitol yesterday when he introduced his own immigration reform plan.
According to Duvall, the plan is an attempt to appease hardliners on both sides of the debate: those who will not support a plan that fails to grant some form of amnesty to current immigrants and those who will not support a plan that fails to fund the creation of a border wall.
Duvall's solution: Immediately grant citizenship to all 11 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. and their South of the Border families, but only if they personally construct the wall.
"It's a win-win, as far as I'm concerned," Duvall says. "Brick by brick, these hard-working American citizens will build a better future for our families, a better future for America, and, more importantly, a better future for the two political parties fighting over the much-coveted Latino vote."
However, leaders from both parties disagreed. Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), a long-time amnesty supporter who believes the GOP must embrace immigration reform or risk losing future presidential elections, took issue with his fellow South Carolinian's plan. "Mr. Duvall's so-called compromise is a slap in the face to the millions of immigrants here in the United States today. It's clearly one of the most heartless pieces of legislation that I've seen in some time," Graham says.
Duvall disagrees. "Heartless is breaking up families. Heartless is using innocent men and women as pawns in a campaign cash game. These are lives, not fundraising opportunities," he says.
The Slumber Party leader says that he was initially inspired by a night of channel surfing, in which he jumped back and forth between The Ten Commandments, Song of the South, and This Old House. "Imagine it: mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, working side by side all along the hot Texas border, among the scorpions and fire ants and rattlesnakes. With each brick they lay, the wall gets higher, and as the wall gets higher, their smiles will get wider," Duvall says. "They'll be singing 'Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah' in no time."
He adds, "Once this wall is completed, it will not be a barrier barring immigrants from entering our great nation. It will be a path to citizenship. It will be a testament to their hard work and perseverance. It will be a celebration of all the years that they toiled in the soil, they worked in the field, they slaved away in the hot sun while their fellow citizens encouraged them to work ever harder and harder. And this time, they'll be working toward their freedom. If that isn't the American Dream, I don't know what is."