The missing Mt. Pleasant Gaboon Viper appeared on Andy Cohen's "Watch What Happens Live" show last night and said his penchant for injecting victims with poisonous venom became "a mountain out of a mole hill" in the press, as he repeated his intent to strike U.S. Sen. Lindsey Graham and swallow him whole if the senator wins the Republican primary.
The Mt. P. Gaboon Viper, a.k.a. Gaboony, told host Andy Cohen he would bite Graham on his butt, but he'd settle for a cankle if necessary. Gaboony made a similar announcement last week just before he slithered off into the marsh to eat a wharf rat.
The Gaboon Viper, however, is not guaranteed a bite on Graham's bare behind. As a venomous viper, or "snake," he must travel several hundred miles to Washington, D.C. and somehow make his way to the Senate floor. Once there, Graham will be easy to track. All he'll have to do is listen out for the words "Benghazi" and follow the scent of ham biscuits.
After molting in early April, Gaboony said his lawyers told him to go to rehab, where he could receive treatment for his addiction to biting unsuspecting men and women and for consuming three or four accessory chihuahuas a month.
"They made a mountain out of a mole hill," the viper said of the case against him, adding that he believed his biting was not that severe.
Cohen also asked him "when was the last time you bit someone?"
"I gave that up a long time ago," the Gaboon Viper said. "On second though, let me check my day planner ... ah, yes. Two seconds from now."
Up until Monday night, Cohen's show aired on the Bravo network immediately after "Southern Snake Charmers," a Charleston-based Bravo reality show that follows Thomas Ravenel and several other bar crawl vipers.
Prior to being rushed to the hospital, Cohen asked Gaboony if his high public profile could hinder his mission to sneak up on Lindsey Graham and sink his two firm fangs into the senator's soft, supple backside.
"I don't see how it could help," the Gaboon Viper said.
Note: The above story was inspired by this report from the Post and Courier's Schuyler Kropf.
Chris Haire is the author of the comic novel, The Many Crimes of Wyatt Duvall, Archmotherfucker, a despicable tale about a dastardly man committing dastardly deeds. Oh, and dryer lint smoking. Lots of dryer lint smoking. It's currently available at Amazon.com.