President Lindsey Graham? But isn't he gay?

You've got questions about Lindsey Graham, I've got answers

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DOD PHOTO BY GLENN FAWCETT
  • DoD Photo By Glenn Fawcett

Every time that Lindsey Graham appears on TV, somebody, somewhere immediately heads to Google and asks, "Is Lindsey Graham gay?" And more often than not, that curious little somebody ends up at the City Paper, where that very same question was asked way back in to 2007.

We here at the City Paper thank them of course, but we highly doubt that they found the answer they were looking for. To put it bluntly, Lindsey says he's straight, and, well, that answer is fine with us — even if it's not true.

The thing is we're so damn lazy here at the CP HQ I can't remember the last time somebody cleaned out the coffee pot, much less put on a French maid outfit and gave the ole supply closet a thorough dusting. Oh, wait, that was last Friday. And it was me. How embarrassing.

The point is people have questions about Lindsey Graham, and they want answers — especially now that the senator has officially launched a presidential exploratory committee. Fortunately, we've got them. 

So without further ado, here are a few little-known facts about Lindsey Graham that everybody needs to know:

1. He likes ham biscuits.

2. No, seriously, he's a big fan.

3. I am too. I order them every time I go to Hardee's for breakfast. That said, I prefer Bojangles' cajun filet biscuit. And their fries? I'd milk Chris Christie's teats for just one chip.

4. What? You haven't had the fries at Bojangles? Let me tell you, they are without question the best fast-food fries out there today.

5. Of course, McDonald's used to have the best fries, but they quit frying them in beef fat, and since then they taste a bit like spoiled styrofoam.

6. That said, I've never had spoiled styrofoam or, well, styrofoam in general.

7. However, I have eaten Play-Doh. It's actually kinda salty, although the texture is a little off-putting.

8. Speaking of pudding, Bill Cosby needs to lay off the pudding like now. He's done lost his mind. Amiright, ladies?!

9. Ooh. That didn't go over very well. My bad. 

10. I mean, it's not really a rape joke. And by that I mean, it's not, but, um, well, I guess you just can't joke about Bill Cosby. Or at least, you can't tell a really shitty joke about Bill Cosby, who may or may not be a serial rapist.

11. On second thought, I'm not even sure why I thought that was funny in the first place. Think quick, Chris, you need a distraction.

12. Deflate Gate!

13. OK. Now, you've got to say something about that. And ... nothing.

14. Benghazi!

15. Yeah. Still nothing.

16. I've got it: "Sarah Palin's Iowa speech was the bastard love child of Clint Eastwood's chair-versation and Miss Teen South Carolina's 'Such as the Iraq' brain fart."

17. Shit. Shit. That didn't work. Hmm. Have I said anything worthwhile on Twitter lately? Let's see.

18. Yes.

19. "Dear internet: you do know that 'BAE' is Dutch for 'shit,' right?"

20. "Note to world: Please stop using 'fresh' as a synonym for 'new.' Thank you."

21. "Why oh why did the GOP abandon WASPy intellectualism for lottery class meatheadism?"

22. "Life itself is just the Stanford Prison Experiment writ large."

23. "You know, Alice Cooper uses fake babies all the time and nobody says shit"

24. "The microwave at the City Paper is a crime scene."

25. "Tell me about your mother #MakeSexAwkwardIn5Words"

26. "Pap smears for everyone #MakeSexAwkwardIn5Words #only4fuckers"

27. "Let me remove my teeth #MakeSexAwkwardIn5Words"

28. "I call him Chris Kyle #MakeSexAwkwardIn5Words"

29. "Mustard sauce or Alabama sauce? #MakeSexAwkwardIn5Words"

30. "Have you heard about Jesus? #MakeSexAwkwardIn5Words"

31. "Left-right, left-right, A, B Start #MakeSexAwkwardIn5Words"

32. "John McCain and Lindsay Graham #MakeSexAwkwardIn5Words"

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