'Radio host convinces Congressman to hold hearings into rock star deaths'

When in doubt, go with Hillary

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Update: Just received a message from Trey Gowdy's press person about this post. Here's what she had to say: 

Hi Chris,

Amanda Gonzalez here, Press Secretary for Congressman Gowdy. Just tried to call you but it went to your voicemail.

I saw your piece this morning, "Radio host convinces Congressman to hold hearings into rock star deaths.” Since those quotes obviously did not come from Congressman Gowdy, I am requesting you clearly mark this as satire, which I did not see anywhere on your website or in your piece.

Feel free to give me a call back if you have any questions, and please let me know when this is fixed. Thank you.
Amanda Gonzalez
Press Secretary
Rep. Trey Gowdy (SC-04)

My response:

Amanda,

Thank you for writing. If you look underneath the Haire of the Dog logo you’ll see that it says, “Biting commentary and rabid rants,” indicating that it is a column/opinion. Also Knight-Rider is not a news service, Wyatt Duvall is a made-up character I use quite often, etc.

That said, I’ll include your email at the start of the post. Gracias.


(Knight-Rider) — Washington, D.C. For the much of the past week, listeners of the talk radio show "The Wyatt Way" have been bombarding Congressional offices urging them to form a special committee looking into the latest tragedy to grip our fair nation. One Congressman, South Carolina's Trey Gowdy, has heard them loud and clear and he's ready to launch an investigation into who is responsible for the deaths of some of America's most beloved rock stars.

According to media reports, all of the men died from natural causes, but radio host Wyatt Duvall isn't swayed. "The story the mainstream media is peddling is as bogus as tater tots on the tasting menu at the finest French restaurant in town," he says. "I just don't buy the theory that Bowie, Mr. Frey, and the esteemed Mr. Kilmeister died of the same thing, that is unless that same thing is a villain with murder on his mind — or, you know, a vast right-wing conspiracy."

Gowdy, for one, is more than up to the task. Thanks to his experience with the Benghazi investigation, the former solicitor knows how to milk a mic for all it's worth when the cameras are rolling. "It's as simple as this: the average life expectancy for a male living in the United States is 79, and each one of these musicians didn't even come close to that," Gowdy says. "Bowie died at 69, Lemmie 70, Glenn Frey at 67. And these men were rock 'n' roll royalty. For them, the best medical care was practically a birthright, so consider me suspicious when they passed away far too young."

By the time the special investigation ends, Gowdy believes the nation will learn not only who's responsible for these untimely deaths, it'll prove that the culprit wasn't limited to killing rock stars. "Alan Rickman, Dan Haggerty — I think we'll find that they were sadly wrapped up in all of this too," Gowdy adds.

As for who exactly may be behind the deaths, the Congressman says, "When in doubt, you go with Hillary. Right, wrong, she's always guilty."

Duvall, however, has a different suspect in mind. "The pants suit? Fuck no. Polyester doesn't need pressing," the radio host says. "My money's on Steven Avery. I think all the attention has gone to his head. Next thing you know he'll be demanding a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, right next to Rin Tin Tin and Tobey Maguire."

Duvall is the founder of the Slumber Party, a group which tried to get state legislators to pass bills creating mandatory two-hour siestas during the work day. Although the effort failed, Duvall managed to launch a successful U.S. Senate campaign. Among his controversial bills was a proposal granting amnesty to illegal immigrants under the condition that they help construct a wall between the United States and Mexico. Eventually, Duvall resigned to launch a successful career in talk radio.

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