Southern Charm: Imparting wisdom from inside the glass menagerie

... of narcissism


The face of wisdom
  • The face of wisdom
Gather round the dinner table kids. Uncle Thomas is going to share some wisdom. 

"You see, I suffered a precipitous fall that had nothing to do with me or the drugs. No, indeed, it did not. It had everything to do with the Glass Menagerie, a fanciful world that trapped me in its web with beverage cart girls and other temptations. I was bewitched and confused and I loved her with all my heart. Days before the wedding, I ditched her. Of course, being a Southern gentlemen, I had to sue her to get my engagement ring back. But that's neither here nor there. What my point is, the wisdom I want to impart to you, my esteemed guests, is that don't let the Glass Menagerie explode on you or you will end up with a conviction on your record and a 21-year-old prima donna giving you bad advice. In the end, what I'm trying to say is if that beverage cart girl showed up here right now, I'd marry her in a heartbeat. Dani, see what you missed by passing on me? And Whitney? You're a judgmental jerk. With that, I'd like to conclude and raise a glass to good friends and smart choices." 

Oh, T-Rav. Who is letting you do these things to yourself? I'm starting to think that Will Folks and Kathryn Dennis are pulling a Frank and Claire Underwood. They're dragging him into the garage, but he's dumb enough to start the engine himself. 

Even dear JD, his best friend and the type of man Thomas aspires to be, thought better of his dinner party theme. "I love my friend Thomas but that's an unusual theme for a party: we're gonna impart some wisdom." Truer words.... 

Speaking of wisdom, Kathryn is the wisest old soul that T-Rav has ever met. She's so wise that she encourages him to host this dinner party and give his friends some advice. She's pretty sure they'll be grateful for the opportunity to learn from him. 

So dumb old T-Rav calls up his "friends," invites them to dinner, and warns them that he's going to be taking the floor for a few minutes to dole out some advice. Shep, the guy who's looking smarter and smarter every week, jokes that T-Rav and Kathryn "probably give each other terrible advice all day long." Truer words... 

Cameran and Jenna are justifiably thrilled at the idea of this dinner simply for its entertainment value. Whitney thinks the dinner party sounds like a terrible idea, but he dons a slick suit and heads out despite his better judgment.

Over on Church Street, Thomas and Kathryn get ready for the party. Unfortunately, we do not get to see Kathryn putting on her ridiculous eyelashes. She emerges from the bathroom looking like she's got tarantulas crawling out of her eyes.

JD arrives, dripping with Southern charm, serving wine and dishing up compliments. Is he just getting a good edit, or does this guy really ooze gentility? You can see that he's everything Thomas wants to be. The jovial, fun-loving guy who knows when to leave the party and go home to his family. At least, I hope that's what JD does. I've idealized him, I know. He's probably a total douche in real life.   

Craig, the sore thumb, arrives late — per usual. 

Thomas begins speechifying (see the above translation of his nonsensical talk) and the giggling begins. Southern charm is the ability to keep a straight face in the presence of such narcissistic windbaggery. 

Shep is stupefied by the awesomeness of the situation. "It's kind of brilliant. Monty Pythonesque. All these idiots sitting around the table listening to the head idiot." 

There may be hope for you yet, Shep, because that was the quote of the night. 

Kathryn's spiders pop out of her face and start crawling across the table as Thomas pines for his lost love and tells the assembled that he'd definitely be on it if she was single and available. The frightening spiders, desperate for vengeance, alight on Craig, and Kathryn starts fighting with him about classy things, like not having class and sleeping around. As T-Rav says, Kathryn has moxie, poise, and confidence so he keeps his mouth shut during this whole exchange. Kathryn storms off to squeegee the tears out of her eyelashes. 

And then dinner is over and everyone is much wiser for it.

Other things happened in this episode too: 

Cameran and Craig woke up in the morning and went to their boring old jobs while all the rich people slept in. Waah. But Cameran does have a new car, so that's nice. 

Jenna remains an adorable mystery, but she can walk really well in absurdly high heels. She can even walk up steep stairs in them.   

Whitney, lost in a maelstrom of nothingness, is desperately trying to please his mother, who for some reason thinks he should freeze his sperm and procreate. Doesn't she realize that he's not a woman? Sperm don't expire. Duh. But back to business. Whitney meets with the guy who started the worst chain restaurant in America, Planet Hollywood, and the two are going to partner up to make a high-end Mexican restaurant with three floors, chandeliers, velvet, and satin. I don't know about you, but those things do not come to mind when I think of Mexican, but Whitney studied at the Sorbonne so I will defer to him on this one. 

The consultant says he wouldn't open a hotdog stand with Shep, and Shep gets the final fuck you on that one, ’cause he's opening a fancy hotdog place on the East Side called the Palace Hotel. Take that Planet Hollywood guy.

After the episode, Cameran, Shep, and T-Rav appeared on Watch What Happens Live and Thomas made an ass out of himself — again.  

For those of you who suffered through, here's a little treat: a pic of the Ravenel clan. Head over to BravoTv for a lot more vintage pics. 


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