Southern Charm S3 E4: Villains, Manipulators, and Lots and Lots of Shade

Bless Their Hearts


Ah, the fourth episode. This is where roles get defined. And this is where both Landon and Jennifer (a.k.a. Snowden) are being cast as villains. What's interesting though is that Landon is being tagged that by viewers (check out #SouthernCharm on Twitter) and Snowden is getting the villain treatment by the other cast members. Team Landon or Team Kathryn, which are you on? I'm like Switzerland. I think they're all horrible. 

The big news this episode is that Kathryn ended up in the hospital after her full-blown tantrum at the polo match where she snatched up her ball, er, baby and went home.

We get the lowdown from old tired T-Rav, who shows up on JD's doorstep at 8 a.m. (man, they are indeed good friends) to whine about the disaster he's made of his life. Of course it's not his fault. It's Jennifer's! She's Iago, whispering in Kathryn's ear, telling her every inappropriate thing that T-Rav is doing all over town. I'm pretty sure I've seen T-Rav doing his own dirty work via social media, but it's way more convenient to blame someone else. We didn't get to be a 50-something man-child by taking responsibility for our actions, you know.  

Shep drops by to ogle Craig sitting in his new office. Oooh, shiny things. At least Craig looks sharp behind that desk, even if he is so clueless he doesn't know the difference between a glue stick and velcro. Good luck on that BAR exam, doofus. 

Some girls get together for lunch and discuss babies. When is Cameran going to have a baby and eat her placenta? I feel like this baby talk is ridiculous. Women have a choice and shouldn't be pressured into having children. It's not for everyone, that's for sure. Just take a look at T-Rav and Kathryn.

Over to Pat's palace on Montagu Street where she and her party planner are getting ready for the flamingo party. Ah, it's suddenly clear why Pat is sullying herself with this tawdry show — she's writing a book on entertaining! Tip number one: hire a butler. Tip number two: hire a party planner. Tip number three: always wear a caftan. I can write that book too. 

Landon picks Craig up from his pseudo-job downtown for a spa treatment somewhere far, far away. Seriously. They drive around for 30 minutes. If you pay attention on these car rides, you can see the editing in process. As they drive down East Bay, it's all pretty chronological — they talk about clothes and the party and then Jennifer calls to tell them about Kathryn's jaunt to the hospital. As they talk, Landon drives around Mt. Pleasant for days and days. Where the hell is this spa, anyway? Alas, they talk so much trash about Kathryn that they never make it to the spa. And this is where Landon's transformation into a villain among Kathryn's fans is complete. After Jennifer is asking Craig to give his friend a phone call and "love on her a little bit," Landon goes off on a tirade, scoffing at Kathryn's hospitalization and saying it's all a manipulative bid for attention.  

"Oh it's always this drama. Then here's Jennifer on the phone saying, she almost died! Oh really? I doubt that. Thanks for calling, we're going to the spa. (tee hee) ... I just feel that everything Kathryn does is a ploy for attention. ... I'm so bored of her thinking that she can control and manipulate everyone with this child. It's disgusting. I'm not going to be manipulated by this psychopath."

Landon needs to bone up on her Bravo tropes because this will not be getting her a spinoff show. She's no Bethenny. Instead, she'll be getting bullied by a bunch of Twitter trolls who hate her and love Kathryn.  

So, Kathryn's hospitalization results in a co-signature from T-Rav on her lease. After she gets the news, she grins to herself and convinces all of us at home that she is indeed a manipulative, cold-hearted psycho. 

Finally, the stupid flamingo party gets underway and our cast comes together in various shades of pink. Shep's tiny date — who Landon describes as more Frederick's of Hollywood than Saks Fifth Avenue — shows up with a bottle of booze and a tiny pale pink dress. Somehow I don't think this party is full of Pat's friends. There are way too many hot College of Charleston girls, and T-Rav sniffs them out immediately. Maybe that's why he lost interest in Kathryn — she's too old for him now. 
Shep tries to make good TV by stripping down to his underwear and jumping in the pool with his tiny friend, but all he ends up doing is getting Patricia and his crotch wet. Yep, he puts his pants back on over his wet undies. That's a good one for Pat's book: if you jump in a pool in your underwear, go commando the rest of the night so it doesn't look like you wet your pants. 

So now we come to the big drama of the episode: Jennifer Snowden, T-Rav's mistress (a.k.a. drunken hookup), is a turncoat who became friends with his baby mama and is spreading lies about T-Rav.

But wait, Shep gets his tarot cards read and Cooper Ray has an AWK-ward conversation with Patricia. Apparently, he's been dumped as her best gay friend. He betrayed her by cavorting with Kathryn and she will have nothing to do with him now. Of course, being a nice Southern belle, she doesn't tell him to his face but waits until she's in front of the camera to say why she cast him out of her court. Classy.

Cooper shoots back by saying that Pat doesn't like Kathryn because they're two of a kind. Truth. 

Pat throws her own shade: "He's like the poor man's Truman Capote." Also truth. 

I think we have a new Bravo show: Gay Best Friends. It chronicles the ups and downs of rich women and their sidekicks. 

Cameran laughs herself into the boxwood hedges at the thought of Shep making love. We've seen this clip about a hundred times already, so it's not that exciting.

Finally, Jennifer shows up and we get down to business. T-Rav spots her and orders up something besides a rosé to prepare for a showdown. He's upset because if Kathryn gets upset they're looking at a neo-nato intensive care unit. Not sure what that is, but the two go round and round about lies and misunderstandings. And T-Rav blames Snowden for all the problems in his life. She's having none of it: "I'm torn between completely cussing him out and telling him the truth about how I really feel about him: You're a shitty dad. You're shitty to Kathryn. Take responsibility and quit pointing the finger at everybody else. The other half of me just feels sorry for him because he truly believes the stupid shit that is coming out of his mouth." Bless his heart.  

The party comes to an unpleasant end. Thomas orders a water, while Jennifer calls Kathryn to give her a blow by blow. Pat catches her: "Are you giving her a report?" Jennifer leaves, and we get a glimpse at next week's episode where the kids go roller skating and Kathryn still isn't invited to the cool kids' parties. 

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