Southern Charm S3 E5: Landon and her big ideas

Hey, Let's All Dis Kathryn

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Remember the first season of Southern Charm, when it was all about the men of the group acting like fools and chasing skirt all over town?

Craig gives us a nauseating reminder of that season's shenanigans, breaking it all down for Naomie: "Shep slept with Kathryn too, and Shep doesn't give a shit. And we also know that Whitney and her (sic) had sex. When she went and slept with Whitney, Shep didn't care because he didn't have feelings for her. Whitney — after she chose Thomas — has hated her. ... Look, here's another thing. When Kathryn first came in the picture I was all about trophies and stuff so I was all like I'm going to hook up with her before anybody else, but as soon as Shep did, then I was like there's no trophy involved and so Kathryn and I could still be friends." 

Naomie would rather pack the dishes and avoid eye contact than be so viscerally reminded of Old Craig the Lothario. I can't say we blame her. Hearing your guy talk so callously about sleeping around because he was collecting trophies can't make you feel so great about him, even if he is indeed New Craig, with a jobby job and everything. 

Of course, the guys may have thought they were collecting trophies, but back then Kathryn was on her own hunt and now has two kids and a rich baby-daddy to show for her efforts. Oh, and she's the star of Southern Charm and all the rest of them are simply her supporting cast. Because of this shift in focus, all the women have ceased being humorous witnesses to the men's misbehavior and have become mean girls intent on judging and freezing out Kathryn — much to their dismay. Cameran may not give a shit, as she says while rollerskating away at Shep's very Un-Shepic birthday party, but the viewers do indeed care and they are getting pissed at the treatment of Kathryn. When it comes to Bravo TV, you can't misjudge the power of the audience — and a good drama.

Perhaps Cooper understands this dynamic and that's why he's chosen to switch sides and join Kathryn for lunch at 82 Queen. Screw Pat and her commands to avoid Kathryn. 

Of course Pat and Whitney think Cooper is just a drama queen who will now be banished from Pat's house forever and ever amen. 

Back at lunch, Cooper makes a move to push Jennifer out of Kathryn's orbit by reminding her that Jennifer lied about sleeping with Thomas and claiming that she's untrustworthy. Kathryn, probably the most astute people-reader in the group, decides that Cooper might be shadier for bringing up ancient history and trying to push a wedge between her and her only friend. 

But this episode is about Shep! It's his birthday and his friend Bailey, looking like the embodiment of '80s-era Madonna, is coming by to paint a picture of him riding a horse and carrying a surfboard all at the same time. Classic. Or should I say, Shepic.

On his confessional, Shep says that Bailey is great and they haven't had the DTR (define the relationship) talk but she's definitely DTF. Ha. Of course, Shep feels bad about this and issued an apology earlier today for sounding like a cad. Don't worry Shep. We get it. You're the funny one!

And when funny people have birthdays, they should have funny birthday parties and go rollerskating, which is never ever ever as much fun as you think it's going to be. Kids only go to the roller rink because they can't get in bars. This is an important thing to remember when planning an adult party for people who really enjoy their adult beverages. But Landon is dumb and cute, so everyone goes along with her stupid rollerskating plan.
This party is not funny! - PROVIDED
  • Provided
  • This party is not funny!
But it's not quite party time yet. Shep plugs his since-burned-down Palace Hotel by making them open up early and feed him and Cam lunch while they discuss their pseudo real estate partnership before Cam launches into her marriage-shaming talk. For someone who's constantly being asked when she's going to have a baby, Cam should just let Shep live his awesome life and let him find the right girl on his own time. In case you missed it, men don't have a biological clock. He can easily wait until he's 45 or 50 to start a family. Just look at Thomas. 

Or maybe Thomas isn't the best example. Thomas and his baby mama are moving into their respective homes. It's kind of sad and even Thomas acknowledges it: "I'll be there. My children will be there. But their mother won't be there." 

And you know where else their mother won't be? Shep's rollerskating party. Landon is in charge of the invites and she — despite Shep's instructions — does not invite Kathryn, but pretends that she does. This is like strike 15 against Landon with the viewing public, which now has even more sympathy for Kathryn after Cam flat-out disses her. 

Kathryn, at Dani's encouragement, reaches out to Cameran to invite her to lunch or coffee and perhaps get past some ancient history. Unlike the wives of Bravo — who never turn down an opportunity to make their case to the viewing public — Cameran basically says, "Aw, hell no," and comes off looking like a total bitch. Check Twitter on that one if you don't believe me.

Before we can get to the rink, Landon meets with Thomas (who sympathetically lobbies for yet another Kathryn invite to Shep's party) and gives him the lamest pitch ever when he asks her what her idea is for investors since she's heading to New York to scare up some dough: "I want to do some sort of travel? Website? Just, I travel so much? And do so many cool things? That I want a way to write and tell people about them?  .. I think I'm still kind of working on my vision?" Not impressed with this elevator pitch, Thomas wishes her the best of luck. 

Ah, finally it's party time and Shep and the crew don their lamest ’70s disco outfits and head to The Alley (another Shep investment he's cleverly promoting on TV) to catch the party bus ... to Summerville? Egads. No one is excited about this party. Particularly the birthday boy himself. Ten people show up along with a clueless Landon, who has no idea that everyone hates her for making them do this. They get to the rink and the party sucks just like Shep knew it would. Pat can't write that book on how to throw parties fast enough. But the big news is that Landon didn't invite Kathryn, and Shep finds out and is really pretty super mad about it because he doesn't want to exclude anyone, and Landon shouldn't have made him roller skate anyway. But who cares if Kathryn doesn't show up? Landon certainly doesn't care if she never sees Kathryn again, but guess what? She's on Kathryn's show, so she can definitely count on that.

Next week: Landon heads to New York to meet with Lockhart Steele, the founder of Eater & Curbed, and he looks as impressed as Thomas with her pitch for a "Travel? Website?" I know! Maybe she should write a book about how to throw parties.


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