Southern Charm Double Recap E9&10: Time to hang up the cock

Or at least give it a rest

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Forgive my absence last week, but Memorial Day shenanigans drowned my Southern Charm recap responsibilities in hotdog chili, rosé wine, and a blistering hangover. I finally sat down today to catch up on the last two week's episodes, and I'm disappointed to say that the ultimate T-Rav dinner party/throwdown has yet to happen! This means I'll miss it next week because I'll be in Paris, where I'm sure they have banned T-Rav for mangling the French language on numerous occasions. 

So let's catch up with what the gangs been up to: Old Craig reared his lazy-ass head after New Craig shit the bed; Shep got shut down in Cali, broken up with in Charleston, fired by Cameran, and mooned over by Landon; Landon struck out personally and professionally; Whitney and his mom accumulated more piles of money; JD got fed up with Craig; and Thomas and Kathryn had a baby while Cameran reiterated her desire to never have a rugrat of her own. 

There was a lot of cockamamie stuff in these episodes, and by that I mean cock-and-ball talk. T-Rav showed off his new offspring's giant Ravenel balls, announced that he wasn't going to shave off 40 percent of his newborn's penis via genital mutilation while Shep proclaimed his preference for weenies with helmets. Good to know. Oh, and Whitney counseled Shep that it might be time to hang up the cock and commit. But Shep's just not sure about that yet. 

But enough about cock and balls. Let's talk about Craig. Sore at not being named Bourbon Baron by JD, he takes off to LA for a couple days with Shep and Whitney, despite Naomie's eye-rolling concern at this lack of responsibility. Apparently, she's never watched Southern Charm. In LA, Craig throws up a half-digested meatball in Whitney's driveway (or maybe that was Shep) and gets a massage in Whitney's living room from a hot masseuse while Shep hits on her in the most icky way possible. Too much weirdness in this scene. 

Back in Charleston, JD tries to track down Craig, who was supposed to be helping plan a bourbon event, but he can't reach him, which is funny since Craig has probably been posting selfies from his phone the entire time he's been in LA. 

Craig finally makes it home and gets to the bourbon event at Charleston Cup, but slouches in with a bad attitude and an even worse hacking cough. Feeling unappreciated for his lack of bourbon expertise, Craig couldn't care less about JD and his stupid Gentry Bourbon. He's never had to miss a trip for work, he whines to JD, making clear that his life goals have changed. Craig is going to be a big lawyer. Or a model. Or something cool. Whatever he does, he knows he'll be awesome at it. Oh, the hubris of this young buck who continues to get smacked around by life. The saying is work hard, play hard, not slack off at work and get shitfaced at night and then sleep late and show up at work hungover and get nothing done. 

Shep's LA trip comes up dry. You can take the Shep out of South Carolina, but you can't take the South Carolina out of Shep. As Whitney says, the Gomer Pyle act doesn't go over that great on the West Coast. We all know that Californians perceive Southerners as a bunch of Beverly Hillbillies, even if you proclaim that you're not provincial. And unlike the poor outnumbered Charleston girls who have to settle for promiscuous frat bros with trust funds, LA women have a much bigger pool in which to fish for hot hook-ups, rich sugar daddies, and Saudi billionaires.  

Back home, Bailey — ’80s Madonna reincarnated — tells Shep that he's been relegated back to the friend zone where there will be NO FLIRTING! Telling Shep he can't flirt is like telling Liberace he can't play the piano. What will he do with himself? How would that work? What would life be like?

Shep claims that he doesn't believe in soulmates, but I took the test on bravotv.com and we are indeed soulmates, so he better get ready for a 40something divorcee with two kids. We're coming for you Shep — once I get divorced, that is. I'm sure the commitment-phobe will have no problem being a stepdad to my fantastic children. 

But I guess I'd want you to get a job first because laying around the house is my job, and your real estate career is not very promising. Shep and Cameran show their Southern manse to a potential buyer. Unfortunately Shep shows him around like a goofy kindergartener trying to impress his teacher with what he hopes is his impressive knowledge. Unfortunately, Shep fails miserably and comes off as a complete doofus. Cameran gives him a big fat D for his performance and tells him that they're back in the friend zone. No more working for Shep. But that's OK with Shep, who can definitely use a nap.  

Now it's time to talk about Landon or Blandon or Landumb — pick your mean hashtag — and her sad sad post-divorce life. While working on her "little pitch," Shep comes to her house for a visit, and she admits that she loves him. He practically crawls up into his own scrotum for protection and then downs his wine and bolts. Hashtag awkward.

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As if that's not bad enough, Landon heads out for her pitch to Lockhart Steele. Unfortunately, she prints out some pages from her computer to show him her ideas for a website instead of actually opening up a computer and showing him a real website. Oh dear. This is terrible. He basically tells her she sucks and needs to leave now. Bless her heart.   

The Kathryn and Thomas detente is actually quite sweet. The two have come together for the birth of their second child. Kathryn is being friendly and compliant in an attempt to lure T-Rav back into her nest. Thomas seems smitten with the idea of having a family, but it's really just the idea. The reality is way different for a guy who's used to chasing tail. He's here for now, though, and I guess that's what matters? I don't know. This whole situation confuses me. Why are they having another child if they have no intention of being together? Raising kids is hard even if you're in the best relationship in the world (as I am — sorry about that divorce joke, honey. You're my true soulmate).

This punishing and self-inflicted two-episode marathon ends with a dinner party at Pat's. Have I told you I saw Pat in real life, shopping at the garden store on Folly Road with her butler Michael, who was wearing a red apron and Birks with socks? Exciting stuff. She's actually pretty gorgeous for a 70-year-old woman. I'm back on the Patricia Altschul adoration wagon. Yes, of course, I want to be her. Who wouldn't? No husband. Lots of money. Servants. It's the American dream. Just ask Landon. 

Pat has assembled the male chauvinist pigs before her for some beef stroganoff so she can skewer their lame asses. She goes around the table and guts each of them with her special beef stroganoff knife: Craig, what's it like working for JD? Shep, are you dating anyone? Thomas, are you getting a paternity test?
   
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And with that, the men are left writhing in pain and embarrassment. Pat rings her bell and Michael sweeps up the bodies and deposits them at the curb, ready to be carted away with the morning trash.

Next week: T-Rav finally throws an epic dinner party, gets drunk, and insults everybody!! I'll be out of the country, but I'm going to figure a way to watch this episode I've been waiting 23 weeks for. 
 


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