Hey everybody. I have great and important news. Last week’s recap marked the 50th installment of Confessions of a Southern Charm Newbie. Wow. Fifty. What a wild ride it’s been. All the great memories we’ve shared. Please begin playing the music linked below as I lead you on a nostalgic look back over the past 50 episodes we’ve spent together.
Who can forget the time when we learned that Whitney was from the same planet as K-PAX. We’re lucky he was struck down by the common cold before he was able to conquer the planet. Or do you recall the shocking moment when Patricia revealed that she was actually the Grand Duchess Anastasia? Truly remarkable. Less surprising was that Michael the Butler is in fact the Lindbergh Baby.
Also, we all remember where we were when Shep got himself stuck inside that discarded refrigerator. That’s why we always remove the doors before throwing away a fridge.
I’ll never forget when Craig delivered his famous Huey Lewis and the News monologue before meeting Paul Allen with an ax. Now who’s getting that reservation at Dorsia? Our handsome pillow man, that’s who.
Oh, and there was that time Kathryn went to work. That episode marked the longest amount of time a Southern Charm cast member refrained from throwing a glass of Champagne on someone: 56 seconds. Memories.
Now, if I had my way, this montage would end with Michael the Butler walking out onto a stage and singing “Only Time” by Enya while the In Memoriam rolls, but I’m pretty sure the only prominent on-screen characters we’ve lost have been horses. Yes, I’m pretty sure all the horses who have appeared on Southern Charm are dead now. They use them like tissues, this show. It’s quite tragic. Now onto the next 50!
This week we pick back up with everyone still on the girls’ trip where they went to stay in luxury treehouses, which is an idea that the Fyre Fest guy is really kicking himself for not having. Things begin in medias res, as the women of Southern Charm conclude their awkward dinner that quickly devolved into an unplanned, poorly considered intervention for Kathryn. To lighten the mood, Cameran farts, to which Chelsea replies, “Your asshole smells like low tide.”
This is great camaraderie from the ladies, but as we all get older, please consider the following important advice on aging gracefully: Never trust a fart. And always use a boner. Thank you. This has been my TED Talk.
While the other women fart themselves silly into the darkened woods, Danni and Kathryn sit by the fire, making s'mores, and having some real talk. Danni explains that she feels hurt when Kathryn refuses to communicate with her. Kathryn responds by saying she has too much other stuff to deal with in her life to worry about anyone else. Then they all go back to cabins that look like giant, ornate birdhouses and sleep in huge canopy beds that probably cost more than your mortgage. Ahh, nature. The great outdoors.
The next morning, Cameran and Chelsea awake to find that they must use an antiquated iron handcrank to grind the coffee beans they’ve been provided. They hate this because it is a way to make coffee dumbly. Just wait until they learn that they’ll need to carry one of those big sticks with buckets on each end down to see the millwright if they want any shredded wheat for breakfast.
Returning to Charleston proper, we find Craig being woken by his “operations manager” Anna-Heyward. As Craig slowly and reluctantly re-acquaints himself with consciousness, Anna-Heyward is fast at work on the outstanding pillow orders that need to be shipped. In terms of improving productivity, she recommends that Craig try out a few insider business tricks, like “Waking up” and “Not being hungover all the time.”
Continuing our parade of unproductive men receiving basic life advice, we join Austen and his dad for a round of golf. Austen explains that his fledgling beer line is kaput until his new brewers can repair their equipment. When asked where said brewer is getting this much needed part, Austen shrugs his shoulders and sarcastically replies, “The part store.” For those wondering, the part store is right next to the jerk store and across the street from the gettin’ place.
Talk on the green quickly turns to Austen’s failed relationship. Austen’s dad says that if he was dating his son, he also wouldn’t appreciate being cheated on. This is great. I always try to get my dad to say what he would and would not like about dating me, but he never really puts his heart into it.
Over at Patricia’s, we find that Austen’s ex-girlfriend Madison has stopped by for some screen time ... oh, no wait, I mean advice. She wants some advice.
Patricia explains that she has known Madison for 10 years, and has mentored her on her marriage and her divorce. This, of course, doesn’t speak well of Patricia’s marriage advice. It’s like if your nutritionist was also an undertaker.
Madison explains that she turned to “revenge sex” after she discovered that Austen was cheating. Patricia says in her day, they didn’t have revenge sex, just “revenge marriage,” which I don’t know what that means. Did she marry someone just to spite them? This would be like if Charles Bronson just went around marrying inner city street punks in the ‘70s.
Skipping ahead, we join Shep and Craig for lunch, when Craig suggests throwing a “pillow party” during which all his guests can sew the pillows that customers have ordered from his business. Maybe next Craig can round up the neighborhood children and use their tiny, nimble hands to stitch together any remaining orders.
Since this pillow party is actually happening, Craig and Kathryn meet at the fabric store. Kathryn immediately bursts into tears, which I feel is probably pretty common at the fabric store. But don’t worry, y’all. Because I just Googled the other things that “pillow party” can mean, and Craig’s event is by far the most sensible.
As the party is about to begin, Anna-Heyward arrives at Craig’s house, where we learn he has slept in until 5 p.m. I know there have been times in the past when I have joked about Craig being a serial killer, sneaking out every night to do the thing that makes him feel like God, but I’m pretty sure he’s innocent. I also know Shep isn’t capable of being some night slasher, because he would scare away any potential victims by constantly saying “My knife” in the Borat voice.
The evening begins with Craig putting on some eyeliner, which is fine and will raise questions from everyone who walks in the door. You’re coming to a pillow party, people, what sort of decorum are you expecting? Anyway, Craig is largely ridiculed for trying to trick his friends into free labor under the guise of a party. In other words, he was pillow-ried.
In what is surely the evening’s biggest surprise, Patricia arrives at Craig’s party where there is no ice or napkins. This is insane. In terms of surprising cameos, this falls somewhere between Nixon appearing on Laugh In and Michelle Obama playing herself on iCarly.
And with that statement, I reveal that I’ve been alive for 100 years and all I have done is watch television. To you readers out there, thanks for following along with me for 50 of these columns. You are all a vital part of what I like to call Team COIT: Charmers On the Internet Together. The merch should be available soon.