Welcome back one finale time for season six of Southern Charm. It’s been a real adventure, but before we get started, I wanted to address a small matter regarding last week’s recap.
You see, some online commenters responded by arguing that the host of the Southern Charm reunion episodes was named “Andy Cohen” and not, as I repeatedly stated, “Andy Cone.” I for one appreciate all reader feedback, especially comments that are constructive in nature. Also, I would be the last person to tell you that I am infallible.
That said, I’m 100-percent certain it’s Andy Cone. Why else would he have famous catchphrases like “This Cone don’t waffle” and “Andy Cone’s got the scoop.” It all makes sense. Now, I know it’s difficult to see someone write the name “Andy Cone” after a long day of offering unsolicited advice to your female coworkers, but to those who demanded a correction I say please take a break from trying to be the smartest guy in the room. Rooms are big and often hard to read. There can be multiple layers of irony, sarcasm, and uncertainty. There can also be a tired, somewhat intoxicated man who makes up funny names to amuse himself after 15 weeks of recapping reality television. His name is Dustin. He’s disguised himself as a coat rack and is hiding in the corner. Now on with the show.
We start things off by revisiting the topic of Kathryn’s sobriety. After Kathryn appeared to be intoxicated on a past talk-show appearance, her fellow castmates all received texts from some mysterious informant, alleging that Kathryn was drinking on set. Joining the rest of the cast this week is Danni, who voices her disapproval about that time Kathryn went radio silent in the days leading up to the girls trip to the adult treehouses. Kathryn explains that she doesn’t like to answer her phone because people are always calling with bad news. Yeah, that sounds about right. Maybe she should get one of those clear plastic phones filled with hard candy.
Kathryn tries to deflect this criticism by telling everyone that their comments will be used against her in court for her current custody battle. Well, gathering in front of all these cameras was probably not the most sound legal strategy. It appears that instead of getting Clarence Darrow under retainer, Kathryn is being represented by Ari Gold from Entourage.
We then cut to a commercial break and, oh hell, Eliza has suddenly materialized on set. Andy Cone immediately asks about her father’s affair scandal and Eliza immediately begins to cry because it was a difficult time that she doesn’t like to mention, especially not multiple times on television. Ever the gentleman, Andy Cone tries to lighten the mood by telling Eliza that viewers thought she was a horrible person.
Questioning then turns to Chelsea and her new boyfriend, Nick the competitive sailor. Chelsea reveals that Nick’s last race resulted in two fatalities. That’s, umm, damn. Were they trying to outrun the damn Geostorm? We should probably stop racing boats, right? There are fewer fatalities in a duel, and we decided to shut those down long ago.
Following another commercial break, Eliza has been replaced by Madison. We quickly learn that Madison and Austen are not officially dating, but they do meet up for a bit-of-alright every now and then.
Andy Cone deftly steers the conversation toward Austen’s alleged three-way. Austen denies he was involved with a ménage à coit, and Andy Cone gives him this look:
The cast then begins debating who is the biggest contributor to Austen and Madison’s infidelity. Danni finally speaks up for herself and says that Madison is somewhat at fault for being involved in some convoluted attempt to flirt with Danni’s boyfriend. Madison responds to this by downplaying Danni’s reasonable reaction to all this. Remember, it’s always an effective strategy to bring someone to tears and then accuse them of being overly emotional. It’s as if Madison was a ghostwriter on some of those seduction guides that recommend you constantly insult anyone you’re hoping to bed and view sex as “an exchange of power.”
Next we learn that Shep has called pretty much every woman on the show “white trash.” He says this designation is saved for those he believes were not properly raised. Cameran tries to make the term more palatable, I guess, by recommending that Shep leave out the “white” part. I don’t really understand the semantic reasoning behind this. I doubt that the white people who Shep called “white trash” are mostly offended by the “white” part. That’s actually factual.
What’s problematic about Shep’s logic here is that the term “white trash” is reserved for the working class or at the very least people who don’t come from money, as they say. Despite his best efforts, Shep cannot separate this classist connotation from his insult. On the other hand, I’m glad to see people actually feeling offended by this comment, rather than leaning into it like they want to be a featured extra in a Kid Rock video.
As we reach the final 10 minutes of season six of Southern Charm, the discussion finally arrives at the Great Colorado Chlamydia Scare of 2018, wherein Madison accused Shep of giving Danni “The Clam” or as described when contracted in the state of Florida: “Miami Heat.” We then cut to footage from earlier in the day when Austen was filmed describing how he would respond if Chlamydia-gate was brought up in conversation. Now on the air, Austen takes the exact opposite route, calling it all a misunderstanding. It’s at this point that we reach Maury levels of sexual absurdity, with Danni announcing that she brought her medical records with her tonight for this very reason.
Andy Cone then asks who all was offended by Shep bringing the two girls from Austen’s “threesome video” to the season-ending party. Other than Austen and Madison, everyone says this was a funny joke, which, no, it wasn’t. The voice of reason, Andy Cone points out the hypocrisy in Shep espousing manners and civility, while also pricking about with his friends. The cast then joins together in mocking these two women who aren’t there to defend themselves because as I’ve said before, the bedrock of friendship is a shared hatred.
For our final commercial break, we are treated to some behind-the-scenes footage of Danni and Madison making amends, which I guess was too interesting for the actual on-set antics. Then the remaining cast is served a round of martinis. I don’t think I’ve ever had a martini. From my understanding it’s a mix of liquors coupled with something salty, so I assume it tastes like drinking my own sweat.
During a lightning round of questioning, the cast individually ends the season on an optimistic note. They feel confident about parenthood, friendship, and romance. Honestly, I like this as a send-off for the season. Andy Cone gives Shep the last words of the season, and they’re pretty good ones.
Shep says, “I think it was a tough one for a lot of us. We keep doing it, and we have fun doing it. I think that’s the crux of it, and we really enjoy each others’ company. I’m a better person for having known all of you. That’s for sure. I’ll always be connected to you for better or for worse, and I’ll value that.”
They, of course, tack on some dumb shit after this, but I prefer to leave it there. I feel Shep did a good job describing the past 16 weeks we’ve spent together going through these articles. Thanks to all of you who have followed along and reached out to me on Twitter. The encouragement means more than you know.
Until next time, this has been Dustin Waters. And no matter how long it’s been, I’ll always be your newbie.