When the Wife's Away...

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One of the best things about being married is that you're never alone.  One of the worst things about being married, you're never, ever alone.

There are those rare occasions-business trip, jail time- that one of you ends up at the house all by yourself.

When the wife goes away, men look forward to this for weeks.  I know I do.  When we were dating, the thought of her being away for an hour was excruciating.  Now if I find out she's going to be gone for a week-I'm packing her bags myself.

And the first few days of your wife being gone are the most wonderful days you can have.  The house is yours.  You can eat what you want, watch as much ESPN as you want, masturbate wherever you want.  You are finally king of your castle.

By Day 3 the novelty of your new found freedom has started to wear off.  You can't physically eat another slice of pizza, and your house is starting to take on an odd smell.  Day 4 goes by in a blur and by Day 5 you are barely human.  You are just sitting on the couch, same clothes you've had on since Day 3, still watching ESPN, but now even LeBron James is telling you to get your dick out of your hand.

For women, it is a totally different experience.  They start out the week sad and on the couch.  They actually, um, miss you.  They watch Intervention and Grey's Anatomy and hold the phone in their hand waiting for you to call.  But then on Day 3, something changes.  They've started eating salads and grilled fish, and they've noticed their house no longer has that odd smell.  Day 4 they are getting more done then they ever imagined they could.  They are catching Thank You cards, calling old friends.  The house is running like a well oiled machine.  They've even started volunteering at the local animal shelter.  Finally, they look at everything they've created, but it is like a sand castle... beautiful now, but it can't stay.   Because it's Day 5, and like a rising ocean tide, this beautiful life of theirs is going to be washed away by the sea of marriage.

That's the essence of marriage: Men, trying to get out, only to realize they can't make it on their own.  And Women, trying to get in, only to realize they'd be so much better off with out us.

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