81st Annual Oscar Predictions

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Best Supporting Actress

Marissa Tomei- Thank you for getting naked, but you have as much chance of winning the Oscar as Joe Pesci does of winning a court case in Southern Alabama.  When they open the envelope this time, there will not be a mistake

Penelope Cruz- If I knew going to Barcelona meant having a threesome with Cruz and Scarlett Johansson I would have gone a long time ago.  Oh, wait.  I did go.  And I ended up in a bed withmy best friend. Screw you Javier Bodem.

Viola Davis- Strong performance of a woman protecting her young gay son.  Or is it?  I know one thing without any Doubt, she will not be winning the Oscar.  Give this girl a tissue.

Taraji P. Henson- Run, Forrest, Run.  Oh, wrong movie.

and the Oscar goes to:

Amy Adams- She is so luminous as the naive little nun.  And we all know this is a make up Oscar to her getting robbed for Enchanted.

Best Supporting Actor

Robert Downey, Jr.- And the best black face goes to...

Philip Seymour Hoffman- I love PSH as much as the next unemployed actor.  But he should just sit in the back doing a little script analysis because he won't be any where close to the podium this evening.

Michael Shannon- Look on the bright side, the next off Broadway show you do for $375 a week will at least be able to put Academy Award Nominee in your bio.

Josh Brolin- He was awesome in this movie.  So angry.  So Right Wing.  So Straight.  So ...alive...

and the Oscar goes to:

Heath Ledger- Awesome performance+hot young actor+ Drug overdose= Posthumous Oscar

Best Actress:

Melissa Leo- I think we used to wait tables together.

Angelina Jolie- Not Without my Daughter 2.  Girl Interrupted 2.  Not Without My Oscar 1

Anne Hathaway-I saw this movie in Allentown, PA.  I went into a gas station to ask where the movie theatre was.  They told me.  Saw the movie.  Went back to same gas station after movie.  Woman asked me if I found the theater and what I saw.  I said Rachel Getting Married.  She said, "Are You Gay?"

Meryl Streep- I am less shocked that she got nominated for this than the fact that she didn't get nominated for Mamma Mia.

and the Oscar goes to:

Kate Winslet- This movie was boring.  But she gets naked.  A lot.  And that is award enough.

Best Actor:

Richard Jenkins- I'm so happy for the dad from Six Feet Under.  Hope he enjoys the free swag, because that will be the only thing he is taking home tonight

Frank Langela- "I am not a crook."  You also aren't a winner at tonight's Oscars.

Brad Pitt- Oh, wow, they really had some cool makeup on you Brad.  Too bad your performance was as plastic as the latex on your pretty little face.

Mickey Rourke- Call this The Eddie Murphy Rule.  Are they really going to give an Oscar to Mickey Rourke.  Really?

and the Oscar goes to:

Sean Penn- So good, so convincing, so politically correct.

Best Picture:

Curious Case of Benjamin Button- Long-check; emotionally manipulative-check; Cate Blanchett-check.  All the elements are there for an Oscar win, but not this year.  Adopt another kid there Brad.

Frost/Nixon- Journalist taking down a Republican President-check; historically significant-check.  But it is a new day, hope is in the air, and there is no room for a Republican in the spotlight

Milk- Man sex- check; Sean Penn-check.  Man this is close, but oh, man Emile Hirsh is a sexy queen, but...call Hugo Chavez, Sean, he'll make you feel better

The Reader- Did anyone see this movie?  It's ai-ght.  It's no Boy in the Stripped Pajamas.

and the Oscar goes to:

Slumdog Millionaire- Not only is this movie brilliant, but most of us in America are as broke as some slumdogs and who doesn't want to become a millionaire.  And nab that hot Indian chick.  Yum Yum Curry.  She'll make my flat bread give rice pudding any day of the week.

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