GREENVILLE, SC - Whether through incredibly happy coincidence or canny exploitation of her 15 minutes of fame, the woman who might bring down the Trump presidency is visiting my humble hometown this weekend. That's right, porn star, director, and human cultural reckoning Stormy Daniels, who allegedly took $130,000 from an alleged attorney working through an alleged shell corporation to keep quiet about allegedly having sex with our alleged president, is coming to Greenville to dance at one of our local strip joints, The Trophy Club.
Related Alleged Trump mistress Stormy Daniels is visiting a strip club in Greenville this Saturday: Club says she's coming as part of her "Making America Horny Again Tour"
She'll be in town tomorrow night as part of her "Making America Horny Again" tour, which is actually what it's called, and I imagine the cover charge and two-drink minimum (which I'm just guessing they have) won't be an obstacle to a packed house hoping to get a glimpse of the woman who admitted to having pedestrian, generic sex with the man who now controls the nation's nuclear arsenal.
So are you planning to come to town for a dose of old-fashioned political scandal, with boobs and everything? If you've never been to Greenville before, I humbly offer some tips for other places to stop while you're in town.
1. CresCom Bank main branch, 1111 W. Poinsett St., Greer
They're open from 9 a.m.-noon on Saturdays, and you'll need to stop by and get some $2 bills. It's kind of a strip-club tipping etiquette thing.
2. Horizon Records, 2 W. Stone Ave.
You're going to need some music to get you in the mood for your adventure later that evening. Recommended titles: “The Stripper,” David Rose & His Orchestra Rose, “Let's Get It On,” Marvin Gaye, “American Idiot,” Green Day, “Lust,” Lords Of Acid.
3. Lust, 216 Transit Dr.
If you don't like to mix politics and nudity, there's another strip club less than two miles away from the Trophy Club where regular, non-President-boning (ALLEGEDLY!) strippers will be happy to help you. It's part of what we Greenvillians informally call the Titty Triangle, a zone in which three different places with scantily clad ladies sit quite close to one another. What's the third? Funny you should ask.
Related Stormy Daniels catapults S.C. back into late-night TV (not that kind): City Paper makes a cameo in Colbert's monologue
4. Hooters, 2401 Laurens Rd.
They're open until 1 a.m., so if you do want to head out to get something to eat before or after your political fact-finding mission, they've got you covered, or mostly uncovered as the case may be. And who doesn't want some damn chicken fingers after watching a metaphor for America's demise doing mid-air splits on the pole?
5. First Baptist Church, 847 Cleveland St.
The next morning, if you need to wash away the shame, glitter, burger grease, and depression over just what it is we've come to in this country, stop by one of my city's biggest and oldest churches and beg for forgiveness, or the sweet relief of death before things go all the way down the shitter.
6. Tommy's Country Ham House, 214 Rutherford St.
On your way out of town, why not lose that feeling of utter hopelessness with a few slices of delectable salted pork at Tommy's? It's a go-to spot for just about every Republican candidate who's ever run for anything, whether it's a state congressional seat or the Presidency. In fact, our current president visited Tommy's during his campaign, so who knows? You might find yourself sitting at the very table where Donald Trump sat, meaning that you, just like Stormy Daniels, will know the horror and unease of having been in close proximity to his ass.
Once you've soaked up our town's down-home ambiance, and probably some other stuff, you'll be able to head back to Charleston knowing that you've had the fullest possible Greenville experience. I was also going to recommend stopping by an attorney's office to see what a standard non-disclosure agreement looks like, but they're closed on weekends. Enjoy!
(Stormy Daniels, The City of Greenville, Tommy's Country Ham House and every other location on this list did not participate in this piece).