Somehow, some way, I thought it'd be a great idea to devote not one, not two, but three of these columns to Kirk Cameron saving Christmas in Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas, a film I've constantly called "Kirk Cameron Saving Christmas" for shits and or giggles. The film centers on happy-go-lucky Kirk Cameron's character named Kirk Cameron and his brother-in-law grousing over the current materialistic state of the holidays.
I could easily devote two more articles to this film, but I'll spare my bosses and those of you kind enough to take time out of your day to read my psychotic ramblings. In the overly long journey of watching the film, I eventually watched several YouTube critiques, like The Cinema Snob and Creationist Cat, and numerous articles that dismantle the film better than I. For the final chapter in this celluloid odyssey, I'll just focus on a few spare observations.
The running time/actual amount of footage
I've now watched the 79-minute film five times, which brings the total time I've put into watching Cameron's film at a whopping 395 minutes. There are better things a person can do with their day. In fact, I'm sure you, dear reader, could think of better things to do than watch Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas five times and then spend untold hours writing about it. I'd like to posit that Kirk and the gang may have spent less time shooting the actual movie. I'm not kidding.
By my shitty math estimations, approximately one third of the film is in slo mo, one quarter of the film is two men sitting in an SUV ad-libbing, and about one tenth of the film is credits. Three or four other scenes are ad-libbed moments between two characters. Then there are three or four scenes that are repeated. I'm honestly in awe that this flick got a theatrical release. It's not the cheapest theatrical film ever released, yet it looks like it was. It barely meets the minimal running time customary for a theatrical release.
- Courtesy Camfam Studios
- We wish we had learned that ad-libbed suv chit-chat was great cinema, but, alas, no
In one scene, two characters introduce a potential subplot revolving around the "War On Christmas" and other conspiracies that is never continued. With coffee mugs over their mouths to hide the blatant post production dubbing, one gent quotes Suga Free's "If U Stay Ready," which is odd to quote in a faith-based film considering Free's pimp playa hustla tales.
At one point during his condescending convo with his brother-in-law, Kirk introduces one of his theories with a high and solid "bro." There is no better way to show people how much of a douche you are than to begin your condescending comment with "bro." Part of me wonders if maybe Kirk said "bro" because he wanted to sound hip in a "come at me, bro" kinda way. I'm more than likely reading way too much into it.
- IMDB / courtesy Camfam Studios
One of the most irritating things about the film is the poster — an Indiana Jones-inspired take on Kirk with a snow globe in hand and a bunch of presents behind him. It's so great and holds so much promise that I hope the artist behind it got a kickass paycheck for it because what we essentially get is a protracted TED Talk with extended montages of Kirk doing the worm and others attempting anemic dances around an obscenely large Christmas tree and flashbacks to a time when St. Nick was going on a kill rampage with 2014-era dubstep-lite underneath. Going on the poster alone, the movie could've been a jovial jaunt through the Christmas wonderland alongside other classics. Unfortunately, it is not.
Kirk is a decent dancer. That said, when I saw him do a moonwalk back in the Growing Pains-era, it rivaled mine, but that's no big feat when my idea of moonwalking is actually just walking backwards.
Upon my fourth viewing: I went down the rabbit hole and watched a few videos from The Way of the Master, Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort's ministry to teach Christians how to share the gospel, among other things. I came across a video entitled Banana: The Atheist's Nightmare, which essentially posited that the banana is clearly designed by God and has nada to do with evolution. It's a fun watch.
Upon my fifth viewing: I've realized that Kirk may have done something pretty awesome, he may have crafted a movie around an actual Christmas party he had with friends and family. It may not be the case, but if it is, thumbs up on killing two partridges with one stone.
Upon my fifth viewing: It was nowhere near the persecution complex that I wrongly assumed it would be. Maybe there was a persecution complex subplot that wound up on the cutting room floor. I'm kidding. They didn't cut a thing out. It's all there.
Upon my fifth viewing of this collection of scenes strung into an 80-minute film: Maybe the acting does suck?
In conclusion, I'll say this: Just watch Gremlins instead. It's ten times better than any other Christmas movie on earth. Then again, I have been eating a lot of Bojangles biscuits as of late and their richest buttery coma-inducing goodness tends to cloud my thinking.
Want to see Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas for yourself? Catch it now on Amazon Prime Video.