As high-minded journalists, we at the City Paper have committed ourselves to reporting stories that advance the public good and shine a light on real problems in the Charleston community. Every week, you'll find us hard at work pushing for government accountability and justice for the little guy.
Except this week.
C'mon, y'all. It's Best of the Blotter. Wallow in the dregs with us, will you? If it makes you feel any better, here's a list of practical lessons we've gleaned from this year's batch of miscreants, drunks, and con artists:
• If you're going to own a bike downtown, you'd better lock it up — and not with one of those weenie cable locks, which a thief with a pair of bolt cutters can slice through like overcooked pasta. Go U-lock or go home.
• If you're going to threaten someone, you should have a short time frame in mind. If you call ahead to say "I am coming from Texas on a Greyhound bus and killing both of you," your would-be victim has fair warning to call the police and have your bus-riding butt arrested.
• There are at least three ways to handle police questioning. Good: "I messed up." Bad: "That shit is old and this is bullshit. You guys are jerks." Ugly: "I hope that a nigger shoots you in the fucking face tomorrow because you are taking an innocent white motherfucker to jail." As an addendum, it's also a bad idea to tell an officer, "Stop acting like you're Robocop. It's not like I did anything wrong."
• Police probably won't fall for it when you tell them the crack rocks in your pocket are Twix candy bar crumbs. Same goes for calling them sheetrock fragments.
• Use this calming phrase to break up fights on Daniel Island: "Stop. Get in your golf cart and go home."
Blotter O' The Year: Asked how much he had had to drink one evening, a man answered, "One beer ... an hour... for seven days."
A woman threatened her former employer, telling him, "You will not see your mother on Christmas Day. I know bad people." Officers have subpoenaed Santa's naughty list to narrow down the suspect pool.
Police knock. Overheard through the front door: "Oh, shit. It's the cops. What do you want to do?" Well, nothing suspicious here.
Team Player O' The Year: A man told police they could search him. He didn't have anything on him, but there were four plastic baggies full of marijuana around his feet. The officer asked if they were his, and he said, "Yeah, I'll take the hit for this one."
DUI Quote O' The Year: "Well, I was going home, but the green goblins in other vehicles were waving at me, and I thought they were going to a party, so I decided to follow them."
Inspirational Story O' The Year: A man who'd just been arrested for possession of narcotics and an illegal gun told officers that his parole officer would be upset to hear the news. He also said he'd been working to turn his life around since his previous incarceration. "All I do is cook, play Madden, and smoke weed," he said.
A woman arrested for driving under the influence was desperate to avoid arrest, offering the officer "a million dollars and the best orgasm ever" if he'd let her go home.
From the Seventh Grader's Guide to Insults: "You're a dick. How many dicks do you eat other than yourself?"
A man wanted on a warrant in family court was arrested while applying for a job at the Charleston Police Department.
A former employee allegedly used a man's personal information to purchase more than $11,000 in sushi ingredients.
Casanova O' The Year: Police say a man booked for public drunkenness was singing to passing women and saying "something to the effect of 'This is what I will do to you,' while he was doing a lower body thrust." The man wouldn't answer the officer's questions, "but instead continued to sing and do a lower body thrust."
She-Said-He-Said-She-said O' The Year: An officer arrived at a downtown bar after getting a call from his supervisor who had been called by an off-duty officer who had been called by his cousin because she said she got assaulted in the bathroom of the bar.
Good Samaritan O' The Year: A man told officers he was reaching for his cell phone in the floorboard when he lost control, sideswiping one vehicle and rear-ending another. An officer asked how he was going to help the other vehicle owners. "I'm not," he responded.
Anthony Weiner Threat O' the Year: "I'm coming over. My dick is getting bigger, and it won't go down. I took something."
Told he was under arrest, an offender worried, "Oh shit, I hope I don't get a white judge."
Dale Earnhardt Threat O' the Year: "You see that silver Camry parked over there? I'll crash us into it and kill you."
Free Spirit O' The Year: Asked where he lived, a man suspected of public drunkenness told police, "Anywhere that you can take me."
Officers observed a "small amount of taco drippings or vomit" on the front of a man's shirt. We wonder that same thing every Sunday morning.
Middle Earth Threat O' The Year: "I kill people for a living. And I love fairies."
Asked where she lives, a drunk woman answered, "Tomatoes for my three dogs. I'm married to your state's governor." We typically try to stay away from political debate.
Every night for a week, someone trespassed on a woman's property and urinated on her Gamecocks beach chair. Clemson should stick to how it usually relieves itself: pissing away every football season.
A man head-butted his wife, her brother, and her cousin at a family gathering that got out of hand.
Fun times in the Wragg Square fountain: "The suspect was on the very top tier, dancing in a circle and attempting to put on water skis."
Overreaction O' The Year: An offender asked a man for a cigarette. The victim said he had no cigarettes, prompting the offender to rip the victim's chain from his neck and shoot him in the shoulder.
It took a few tries for police to rouse a man who was sitting on a curb with his eyes closed. When he finally came to, an officer asked him if he knew what time it was, to which the man replied, "Game time!" Steeeerike one.
Meta-Crime O' The Year: Someone stole an XBox 360 with a copy of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas inside of it.
Valhalla simulation O' The Year: Police were called to a downtown pizza place because of a drunk patron who wouldn't leave. A witness told police the suspect was trying to drink everyone else's beer and that he appeared "super drunk." The witness said it was a large man "with long blond hair and a beard, kind of like Thor."
Someone broke into an apartment complex and smeared hamburgers and side items all over the elevator call buttons and wall art. Guess he didn't have it his way.
Seinfeld Moment O' The Year: Police stopped a man who was seen peeing in the flower bed outside a parking garage. He admitted to the deed but blamed it on his incontinence. The officer then pointed out a public restroom less than five feet away.
Top 8 Vague Threats
8. "What I'll do to you will require the po po."
7. "I'm going to get my girlfriend to do you in."
6. "I'm 57. You can step up to get some Heinz 57."
5. "I've got my tool. What are you going to do?"
4. "I'm going to merc your ass!"
3. "I'm associated with a class of people you don't want to fuck with."
2. "You know I love you since you don't know I will kill you."
1. "I'm gonna put something on you."
While off his meds and drinking heavily, a man picked up a television and tried to throw it at a cop. He got tased.
Mt. Doom Request O' The Year: A woman took a black machete out of her home, handed it to a cop, and asked that it be destroyed.
A man got arrested for loitering under a No Loitering sign.
When police asked a drunken man with vomit on his shirt why he was trying to open the back door of a closed business, he said, "I own this building." No word on whether the vomit was his own.
At a traffic stop, an officer smelled alcohol on a man's breath and asked him if he had any open containers of alcohol in the car. His response? "No open containers, but I have some blow in the cup holder." He wasn't lying.
Mmmmm ... Beer O' The Year: Someone broke the window on a car, stole a can of beer from the backseat, and ignored a $300 camera that was in the center console.
A man in a wheelchair took a dump on the sidewalk and rolled off. Dude's got 99 problems, but a colostomy ain't one.
The victim in a hit and run told police that the suspect was a woman with long blond hair and a "stomach on her."
When police asked a suspected shoplifter if he had anything in his pockets, he said, "Yeah, a gun." Actually, it was a stolen turkey-and-cheese sandwich.
The Things They Shoplifted (abridged): Nasal spray, a $125 necktie, a half-gallon jug of weed killer, 11 packages of hair weave, two pairs of snakeskin boots, Christmas ornaments, four tape measurers, deli-sliced ham, 72 condoms, 314 gallons of diesel fuel, a Roomba vacuum cleaner, and three kielbasa sausages.
A woman said her car was keyed in a downtown parking garage. There was a note on the windshield with a picture of Mickey Mouse with his middle finger in the air. The note read, "Thanks! For parking like a total asshole! Why not take up a whole row! Assholes like you should take the bus ..."
Top 10 Alibis, Excuses, and Last-Minute Pleas
10. "I didn't realize you were police officers until it was too late."
9. "Yeah, I've been drinking, but you didn't catch me."
8. "I didn't punch him. I just pushed him in the face."
7. "I'm going to be honest with you: I'm working undercover for federal agents. They let me speed and said it's OK for me to drive without a license."
6. "Heroin? That's not heroin. That's coke."
5. "Man, I'm just relieving myself."
4. "I'm sorry I was parked in the middle of the intersection."
3. "I'm having a date tonight. My sister is the mayor's goat."
2. "Oh, shit. That's ecstasy."
1. "That's not my crack. I'm disabled."
DUI Fail O' The Year: A B C D E F G H I C ... A B C D E F G H I ... A B C D E F G H ... You know, I haven't done it for a long time."
An actual threat: "People in this country get shot for hanging up the phone on someone else! I'm coming down there to pick up that live lobster, and I'm going to shoot all of you!"
A known panhandler asked a cop if he could have 50 cents. The cop explained to the man that it is illegal to solicit charitable donations without a permit. The gentleman responded, "Hey man, I want to go to jail. It's too fucking hot outside." The officer obliged.
During a party, a woman moved to another room away from the gathering, only to have a man enter moments later, holding his penis. He then said, "Ain't it beautiful?" She responded, "I wouldn't frame it."
Unexpectedly Insightful Threat O' The Year: "You can die today or tomorrow. It can happen just like that."
The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We've added cartoons and a little commentary. We've added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.