By all accounts it's been a rough year. But, despite political discontent, natural disasters, and the continued proliferation of subpar musicals on network television, the one true constant has always been the blotter. Now we honor the best that the worst can offer in 2016.
Police noticed as a young man dressed in a purple Globo Gym Purple Cobras uniform was turned away from a bar. The Dodgeball drinker was unable to duck, dip, dive, and dodge officers who soon questioned him about his fake ID.
An employee who was recently fired from his job at a grocery store caused a scene while arguing with his former manager. After refusing to leave the store, the man called his ex-boss a "pussy boy," adding "I should slap your ass in front of this officer," according to an incident report.
A man who parked his vehicle in a garage for safekeeping during Hurricane Matthew suspects that someone took his vehicle for a joyride before returning it. The man said that the vehicle had additional damage that was not there before and that there was an additional 138 miles on the odometer than when he parked it in the garage. While the man could not name any possible suspects, this alleged crime appears to be the work of known truant Ferris Bueller.
One man filled his pants with more than $100 worth of steak and shrimp before exiting a store with a bit of both surf and turf in his meat britches.
- Steve Stegelin
While being searched by an officer, a suspect summoned his inner William Wallace, declaring, "You can take me to jail, but you cannot have my crack pipe."
An officer on patrol happened upon a man removing sandbags from the front door of a store and loading them into the trunk of his car. After initially lying to the officer about the number of sandbags in his vehicle, the man said he was a business owner who had failed to prepare his store from the coming hurricane. Seemingly without remorse about removing the sandbags, the business owner said the dollar store employees hadn't placed them properly in the first place.
A man called police after his jar containing approximately $70 worth of pennies went missing from his home. The coin culprit — or penny pilferer, if you prefer — was later spotted riding down the street with the jar in her hands.
A clerk described a suspected shoplifter by telling police that he "looked like Screech from Saved by the Bell," as if enough hasn't been done to soil the good name of Dustin Diamond.
After a man was spotted huffing aerosol cans, he told police that he was only researching how it was done because his children also huff. Sometimes it's tough being the "cool dad."
Police responded to reports of an unconscious man asleep in an alley. As police tried to wake the man, he raised his middle finger to the officers and said, "Fuck off, I'm Canadian." Such a polite people.
A college student had his laptop stolen after leaving it unattended in the school library while he went to get dinner. Campus security said they had advised students not to leave any belongings unattended, but the man told police that due to him paying $250,000 in tuition, he should not have to worry about leaving his laptop unattended for hours.
When asked by police if he had been drinking, a shirtless man who was found lying on the ground replied, "Is a pig's ass pork?" according to an incident report.
A man suspected of stalking was questioned by police only to reveal his greater mission to save America. The man stated that he was traveling the country by canoe trying to spread his beliefs about "undamming the dams" across the country, according to an incident report. The levee leveller told police that he was leaving his business cards in bushes and near homes around town to connect with supporters.
- Steve Stegelin
Officers found a man hiding in the upstairs bathroom of a house whose owner was away on vacation. Downstairs, police found an open bag of microwave popcorn and an empty bottle of bourbon. According to an incident report, the suspect told police, "I was drunk, broke in last night, and slept on the couch, drank the liquor and ate some food."
- Steve Stegelin
A woman spotted a snake outside one day while walking her dog. In an effort to protect her pup, she picked up the snake and tossed it into the woods, but not before being bitten. Police soon arrived on the scene to assess the woman's well-being, at which time she told officers, "I'm from the country. I ain't afraid of no snakes."
A man called police to report that he is still being harassed by a former roommate who is prohibited from speaking to him due to a restraining order. According to the man, his former roommate has stated in the past that "You are Adam reincarnated and I'm your Eve."
A serial masturbator continues to make obscene phone calls to local hospitals.
A man reported that his gun had been stolen from his hotel room, which he had briefly shared with a couple. When asked what he was doing with the couple in the room, the man replied "We kept it real. That's all I'm gonna say." Other guests at the hotel told police that the man was seen sitting in the lobby of the hotel earlier in the day, loading his pistol and saying, "I'm a real gun owner now."
According to an incident report, things got tense between two vendors in the market when one allegedly shouted, "I make baskets, and you make more money than me selling your purses from China. That isn't fair." The two exchanged more words and one of the women had to be restrained by other vendors in the market to prevent her from assaulting the other woman.
An intoxicated man charged at an officer after shouting, "Come let's go do something," according to an incident report. The man was soon tased.
A woman agreed to babysit her nephew for a few days, during which time the 6-year-old terror allegedly broke a toilet handle, the garbage disposal, and the dishwasher, which caused the kitchen to flood. The woman also reported to police that some of her jewelry — valued at $75,000 — was missing and she is adamant that the child was responsible. The woman added that she had found a gold earring in the toilet in the master bathroom.
- Steve Stegelin
A man's vehicle became stuck in the mud after he was out "having a beer in the woods," according to an incident report. While heading back to a main road, the man came across a construction site. It was at this time that he stole an excavator from the site with the intention of using it to free his trapped vehicle. Using a "universal key" from his days as a repo driver, the man took the excavator, but eventually returned it to the site the following afternoon. According to the construction company, the total loss of value and damage resulting from the man's joyride was estimated at $60,000.
A young lady was able to identify the group of women who allegedly attacked her after she found them boasting about their fight on Facebook. Remember aspiring criminals, if you're going to use social media to confess to a crime, use Myspace.
Employees at a thrift store were sorting through that day's donations when they discovered a loaded handgun tucked away in the pocket of a suit jacket. One could say that the jacket's previous owner was — get ready for it — dressed to kill.
Police spotted an intoxicated man lying on the sidewalk downtown and asked him what he had been drinking. The man told police that his bottle contained a finely crafted mixture of white Zinfandel wine and light beer — the perfect summer cocktail.
An officer spotted a man standing with his legs spread and pants lowered in the corner of a parking lot downtown one evening. Thinking the man was urinating in public, the officer approached to find a woman on her knees in front of the man, giving him the old "Charleston Hello" in clear view of passersby.
An officer found a naked man lying on a sidewalk with his arms outstretched to the sky talking about "how God is all around," according to an incident report. Once the man was able to stand, he became angry with the officer for blocking his view. As the two circled each other, the man said, "I can't see God." After being strapped to a stretcher by medical personnel, the man began to claim that he was in fact God and asked officers to "tell him when he had helped them." After several hours in custody, the man provided officers with his full name, which he claimed to be "God Christ," before his mother was finally able to pick him up
- Steve Stegelin
Mall security chased a suspected shoplifter into a department store closet. After breaking into the closet, officers discovered that the squirrely suspect had pulled down a light fixture and ceiling tiles and was hiding in a crawl space above them.
A woman suspected of stealing from a convenience store was stopped by police as she walked away from the scene of the crime. During questioning, the woman changed the spelling of her name multiple times and made claims such as "I am Obama's cousin," "I work for North Charleston Police Department," and "I am in the military" as she stood at attention.
Giving new meaning to the idea of the sharing economy, a woman noticed several pieces of makeup missing from her home after she allowed her female Uber driver to use her bathroom. This is not the first time an Uber driver has been accused of stealing, but usually they just refer to it as "surge pricing."
A pizza delivery man was handing off a fresh pie when he realized that someone had stolen his vehicle. The thief escaped crust in time to avoid being spotted, taking off with olive the dough in the car.
- Steve Stegelin
For three straight weeks, one loyal customer drank at the same bar from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. before stepping out for an hour only to return and continue drinking for another five hours. The bar manager told police that the man's daily tab ran about $250, according to an incident report. After checking the bar's bank statements, the manager found that every one of the suspect's credit card transactions had been declined. While the manager was speaking with the officer, the suspect strolled into the bar and immediately began to have a seizure when the officer began to question him.
A man returned to his truck to find a note reading, "Park like a dick" and his truck bed littered with English muffins. According to an incident report, the man's truck was illegally parked across three spaces.
A man told officers that his handgun went missing after he hid the weapon in what he thought was a safe place. According to an incident report, the man left the gun under a parked car downtown, and when he went to retrieve it, the weapon was no longer there, teaching him the valuable lesson: Here today, gun tomorrow.
A woman received a call from her credit card company reporting some strange activity on her account. Rousing the suspicions of the fraud protection specialist were charges made to the woman's account for more than $3,000 at a local strip club in a single day. It turns out the woman had not decided to make it rain and told officers that her son was the last person in possession of the card, according to an incident report.
A school resource officer received a tip informing him that a high school student would be bringing candy containing marijuana to class. Inside the student's backpack, the officer found three individually wrapped "penis and scrotum shaped" lollipops that were believed to contain THC. So a word to the wise — don't be a sucker and be careful next time a teenager offers you candy that resembles genitalia.
Officers discovered an intoxicated man who had broken into a funeral home to sleep it off after a night of drinking. He was easily identified by police due to the smell of booze and urine, as well as a pulse.
- Steve Stegelin
A mother and daughter were moving into a new apartment when the daughter's friend suddenly began saying random things, stripped naked, and began running around the apartment complex yelling. The man was later found across the street at a nearby appliance store — still naked.
An officer was escorting a man downtown, when he asked to be dropped off at a hospital, but would not specify a reason why. The man then requested that he be taken to jail, but was informed by the officer that he was not under arrest and he could not take him to jail. The man replied, "Well, you are going to have to now," at which point he proceeded to begin smoking crack in the back seat of the patrol car. The officer immediately stopped the car just in time to witness the man exhale a thick cloud of smoke and say, "Guess I'm going to jail now."
A shoplifter tried to pull the wool over the eyes of one security guard by allegedly attempting to steal a stuffed sheep from a department store. Before the woman could go on the lam, she was quickly corralled by staff and shepherded back into the building to await police.
A man called police after accidentally firing a round into his living room wall one evening while cleaning his gun. No one was injured, but it's going to be pretty difficult to get that security deposit back.
- Steve Stegelin
An officer spotted a man urinating in a parking lot. When questioned by police, the man held up his phone and said he was just visiting a PokéStop.
An intoxicated man was removed from a downtown bar and placed under arrest for threatening other patrons. While detained in the officer's patrol car, the man continued to make threats until Adele's "Hello" began playing on the radio, at which time, "The offender became extremely calm and happy while singing along," according to an incident report.
An employee at one shoe store has been allegedly stealing money from the business to the amount of $180,000 over the course of a year. Chances are the suspect's employer will be giving her the boot unless she can cobble together a good defense.
After being notified about a fight taking place in the women's bathroom of a downtown bar, an officer located one of the combatants outside. The woman told the officer that she was in the restroom when another women entered and began vomiting on the floor. The woman told her inebriated bathroom buddy that her vomiting on the floor was "gross." The woman responded that it was her birthday before kicking her new acquaintance in the face.