by Chris Haire
Des Moines Register columnist Donald Kaul has really gone and done in it. See, Kaul has up and penned a rather incendiary rant about the gun-nut industry.
Of course, it goes without saying that the gun-nut industry is radically different from the gun industry. One manufactures guns for hunters and home owners looking to protect their homes, and the other builds goosestepping automatons who sincerely believe they're part of a well-armed militia fighting the minions of Mad King George III, the Illuminati, the Bilderbergs, and George Soros.
Well, anyhow, Kaul has upset the gun-nutters with his lastest page ripper. And, well, Johnny Sixguns and Sally Conceal And Carry got plenty of reasons to be alarmed. Kaul's column is a pretty strongly worded piece that some might falsely label satire — that is, if said piece of satire produced nary a black-humor bon-mot chuckle. Kaul writes:
The thing missing from the debate so far is anger — anger that we live in a society where something like the Sandy Hook Elementary massacre can happen and our main concern is not offending the NRA’s sensibilities.
That’s obscene. Here, then, is my “madder-than-hell-and-I’m-not-going-to-take-it-anymore” program for ending gun violence in America:
• Repeal the Second Amendment, the part about guns anyway. It’s badly written, confusing and more trouble than it’s worth. It offers an absolute right to gun ownership, but it puts it in the context of the need for a “well-regulated militia.” We don’t make our militia bring their own guns to battles. And surely the Founders couldn’t have envisioned weapons like those used in the Newtown shooting when they guaranteed gun rights. Owning a gun should be a privilege, not a right.
• Declare the NRA a terrorist organization and make membership illegal. Hey! We did it to the Communist Party, and the NRA has led to the deaths of more of us than American Commies ever did. (I would also raze the organization’s headquarters, clear the rubble and salt the earth, but that’s optional.) Make ownership of unlicensed assault rifles a felony. If some people refused to give up their guns, that “prying the guns from their cold, dead hands” thing works for me.
• Then I would tie Mitch McConnell and John Boehner, our esteemed Republican leaders, to the back of a Chevy pickup truck and drag them around a parking lot until they saw the light on gun control.
Hopefully, I don't have to convince you that Kaul has got it all wrong. Violence is never, ever the solution, not even when you're dealing with the douche bags in the NRA and the politicians who suckle the gun lobby's campaign cash-rich teats. But humiliation — well, that's a different story entirely.
Which is why I offer this modest proposal: Let's take McConnell, Boehner, and all the big-wigs at the NRA and put them up against University of South Carolina linebacker Jadeveon Clowney. And then we'll just let Clowney do his thing. Talk about embarrassing.