by Chris Haire
By now, we're all more than familiar with Wayne LaPierre's post-Sandy Hook presser, and if you're anything like me, it was a clear example of out-of-touch, living-in-a-bubble windbaggery, the kind that smells of intellectual roadkill and ideological post-coital soiled sheets.
One part in the NRA CEO's speech stood out: His attack on Hollywood and the video game industry. LaPierre said:
And here's another dirty little truth that the media try their best to conceal: There exists in this country a callous, corrupt and corrupting shadow industry that sells, and sows, violence against its own people.
Through vicious, violent video games with names like Bulletstorm, Grand Theft Auto, Mortal Kombat and Splatterhouse. And here's one: it's called Kindergarten Killers. It's been online for 10 years. How come my research department could find it and all of yours either couldn't or didn't want anyone to know you had found it?
Then there's the blood-soaked slasher films like "American Psycho" and "Natural Born Killers" that are aired like propaganda loops on "Splatterdays" and every day, and a thousand music videos that portray life as a joke and murder as a way of life. And then they have the nerve to call it "entertainment."
But is that what it really is? Isn't fantasizing about killing people as a way to get your kicks really the filthiest form of pornography?
According to LaPierre, virtual violence can lead to real-life violence, and a culture that allows children to play violent video games in which they use virtual guns to shoot virtual people should not be surprised when those same children pick up a real gun to take the lives of, let's say, 20 schoolchildren.
However, in the NRA's strange and twisted world, this same sad phenomenon does not happen when a child picks up a toy gun.
See, the official NRA store currently sells a toy gun — one of those fun little numbers that fires marshmallows. It looks like a good time. Heck, I'd even buy one for myself, but I fucking hate marshmallows. But I must say, I find it rather curious that an organization that argues that violent video games creates future killers would offer a product that its manufacturers have apparently crafted this description for:
No matter how civilized you are, no matter how refined your etiquette, sometimes you need to get in touch with your Inner Commando and let out a little harmless aggression. If that sounds right, then the new camouflage Marshmallow Shooter is the model for you. Pump action fires mini-marshmallows 30 feet in rapid succession. Perfect for raiding pool parties and backyard barbecues! The easy-to-refill magazine holds 20 rounds of super-soft ammo for nonstop action — enough to softly pelt deserving neighbors, family members and coworkers. Oooh, victory is sweet! Mini-marshmallow ammo not included.
Now, you won't find the above description at the NRA store. Instead, you'll find this:
NRA kids love guns and all kids love marshmallows. Give them the best of both worlds with our Camo Marshmallow Shooter. This pump action plastic shooter sends mini marshmallows up to 30 feet. The easy-to-fill magazine tube holds up to 25 marshmallows for rapid fire action.
However, the point here is not that the NRA changed the product description to eliminate its more unsavory elements — or to conceal the toy's true purpose. It's that the NRA has chosen to condemn those who sell the fantasy of killing another human being, something the gun rights group itself has and continues to do.
I don't know about you, folks, but I like my filthy porn with a side of hypocrisy.