Blotter o' the Week: An officer asked an intoxicated man stumbling down King Street where he came from, to which the man replied, "Heaven." Fortunately, no one was reported to have been touched by an angel that evening.
Someone stole a woman's identity in order to have $1,084 worth of makeup shipped to her home.
A bar patron told police that a group of guys had ganged up on him and kicked him out of the bar. The officer soon learned that the three men in question were actually the bar's security staff and the man had been forcibly removed after refusing to leave the establishment. The man soon returned to the bar and told the officer to "suck his dick" and grabbed his crotch as he walked away.
A shoplifter managed to carry a television set out of a department store before being stopped by security. When questioned by police, the shoplifter said, "Damn man, I made a dumb mistake. I shouldn't have tried to steal that TV."
A man attempted to purchase a large supply of paper using a counterfeit $50 bill. Maybe he should buy better paper next time if he's going to fund his counterfeit empire.
A persistent sushi chef racked up his 10th arrest for trespassing at his former place of employment. One more arrest and he gets a free frozen yogurt.
A woman ran out of a salon without paying for her second set of eyelash extensions. She can be identified by her Disney-grade lashes and complete lack of shame.
A man was walking his dog when the animal found something in the bushes. Upon inspection, the man realized his trusty hound had located the stolen register for a nearby sausage vendor. The lesson is, if you're worried about burglars, make sure everything in your business smells vaguely of meats.
A cannonball was discovered in an old home currently undergoing remodeling. It's unclear whether the artillery will receive a fresh coat of varnish.
A serial shoplifter was spotted trying to steal from a hardware store. Although security recognized the man from previous thefts, the shoplifter was most likely identified by the fact that he was wearing cargo shorts in public.
Someone spray-painted "Stop, No More Building" on a developer's fence.
A man was found standing at a bar downtown with blood on his knuckles. He was aware that he had been in a fight, but couldn't recall with whom or why.
A woman suspects that her ex-boyfriend's new romantic partner encased her vehicles in tape, also attaching a bag of old clothing to her windshield.
A clothing designer handed over $1,625 worth of items to an acquaintance who told her the clothing would be featured in Oprah's newest book.
A man standing outside of a parking lot took money from about 15 drivers before walking off. It was later discovered that he wasn't a parking attendant.
When questioned by police about what she had been drinking, an ill-informed drunk driver responded by taking a sip from a cup and saying, "Strawberry something." The officer then asked the woman if there was any alcohol in her mystery beverage, to which she replied, "There might be." Following a series of not-so-successful sobriety tests, the woman clarified that "There is buzzed driving and drunk driving, and I know I'm buzzed."
A man called police to report that five Confederate battle flags had been stolen from outside of his home. According to an incident report, the man said this usually happens at least once a year, but these continued thefts have yet to stop the South from rising again.
A woman's friend dropped by her apartment to pay a visit around noon one day. After the woman stepped out of the living room to go to the bathroom, she returned to find both her friend and Xbox 360 missing.