Blotter o' the Week: A concerned citizen called police about a man who was walking around his neighborhood with a hammer in his hand. When an officer found the man, he said he was installing new doors on some duplexes in the area. The officer also discovered that the man had a warrant for his arrest on a charge of failure to appear in court for a traffic offense. By the Hammer of Door!
An officer pulled over a vehicle that was swerving in traffic because one of its wheels had been booted. The driver said he was unaware of the boot on his wheel. He also said he hadn't been drinking, but he blew a 0.24 percent on a blood alcohol test.
A man found a smoke grenade on a path in a public park. A bomb squad responded to the scene, diverted traffic away from the scene, and "secured the device" within about an hour, according to an incident report.
Somebody stole two kayaks from a parking garage. The owner would probably like to give the thief a good paddling.
After getting patted down by police, a man got flabbergasted and said, "I don't have shit on me. What do y'all want me to do, shit out some weed?" It turned out he had three baggies of weed and a baggie of crack cocaine in his underwear. He did not have to shit them out.
Petty Pirate o' the Week: A man with a patch over his left eye walked up to a convenience store cash register and asked the clerk for some cigarettes. While the clerk was turned around, he grabbed a jar off the counter containing donations for a hospital charity and hid it in his jean jacket. Then he told the clerk he no longer wanted the cigarettes and walked out of the store. The jar contained about $100 in cash.
A convenience store employee was caught on camera stealing money from a children's hospital donation bucket multiple times during her shift.
Somebody stole a decorative flower arrangement from a hotel lobby.
A neighbor noticed that a house had water running out from underneath it and that there was an odor of gas in the air. It turned out someone had cut some copper pipes and removed them from under the house.
Somebody broke into a car at night and stole $3,000 worth of beautician supplies. Somebody get this thief a concealer carry permit.
A police officer was returning to a patrol vehicle and saw a man standing directly next to the car and peeing on the side of it. The officer arrested the man on a public urination charge and then discovered he was carrying a fake ID.
When a police officer spotted a man peeing on the side of a building, the man "shuffled around to the northern side of the [building] so that he was not in my view," according to the officer's report. As the officer approached, the man initially tried to run away but then stopped when the officer said, "Police, stop running!" While he was being ticketed for public urination, the man said, "I had too many beers to drink and really needed to pee. And I thought I would not get caught."
Somebody broke into a car and stole three pistols and a smartphone.
Somebody cut a restaurant's refrigerant line in order to steal the copper. The business owner said the damage to the line would cost about $750 to repair, but the damage to their perishable goods due to the refrigerator shutting down would cost thousands.
A police officer spotted a man inside a Chinese restaurant "swinging his walking cane in wide arcs." The officer arrested the man on a public intoxication charge and wrote in the report, "It should be noted the offender is a known abuser of alcohol."
An officer responded to a report of a possible physical altercation and was told by several people that a man had asked a woman what her "tit size was." The woman said she didn't want any police assistance, but since the man was swaying back and forth with glossed-over eyes, the officer arrested him on a public intoxication charge.
DUI o' the Week: An officer had to wake up a man who had fallen asleep behind the wheel in a fast food drive-thru line. After the man failed a field sobriety test, the officer arrested him for driving under the influence.
After a witness saw a man spray-painting a 12-inch lizard in black paint on the side of a building, the man told a police officer he was only doing it to "spread joy." He also had a 4-foot stencil with him that included the word "truth" and the outline of a girl.