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Blotter: Rock and roll a burrito all night

Introducing the "Walter Sobchak o' the Week"



Blotter o' the Week: A man wearing a KISS T-shirt was caught trying to cram two burritos into his pockets at a convenience store. No, that was not a Love Gun in his pocket.

Police arrested a man for illegal use of 911 after he called twice asking for a ride home.

The day after he was released from jail, a man was seen walking down the sidewalk yelling. When an officer tried to stop and talk with him, the man yelled, "You don't have any fucking reason to stop me," and then walked into the yard of a house where an elderly woman, two men, and a small child immediately surrounded him. After running up onto the porch, the man yelled, "I can scream, 'Fuck you,' from my porch if I want to!" An officer, noting in an incident report that he didn't want to risk injuring other people on the property, informed the man that he'd soon have warrants out for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

After pulling a man over for a broken headlight, an officer noticed that the driver had a lump in his cheek, which turned out to be a wadded-up $50 bill and a piece of white paper. After getting him to spit it out, the officer found cocaine on the paper and a baggie of cocaine in the man's vehicle.

While she was borrowing her mother's car, a woman says she left the key in the ignition, left the door unlocked, and walked into a store. When she came back out an hour later, the car had disappeared. Aside from the obvious explanation for the car's disappearance, there's another factor to consider: Employees of the store said that tow trucks had been circling the parking lot for days, possibly working for a repossession company.

Outlaw Quote o' the Week: After swerving around a cop car and ignoring a stop sign, a man on a moped told an officer, "This a scooter, bro. I ain't gotta stop for no stop sign; this shit's illegal."

Rant o' the Week: While she was being arrested for public intoxication and littering, a woman screamed, "It doesn't matter anyway! The world is coming to an end because you can't buy food anymore! I don't care what the name of your poodle is!"

A man who had been thrown out of a bar claimed that a bouncer pushed him down the front steps. "There were several listed witnesses that corroborated his story," an officer wrote in an incident report, "but they all had been drinking that night."

Somebody tried to shoplift an $80 computer mouse from a store by removing it from its packaging and shoving it down the back of his underwear. We're fairly certain there's an Urban Dictionary entry about this somewhere.

Police arrested a man on a public disorderly conduct charge after he was seen grabbing his crotch and thrusting his pelvis at people on the sidewalk.

A woman who had been banned from an apartment complex was seen sitting on the stairs throwing things at residents and drinking booze from a pink squirt bottle.

Young Hellion o' the Week: Police received a report that a 13-year-old boy was throwing firecrackers under a neighbor's vehicle and had lit a small brush fire. Before taking the boy back to his home, an officer searched his pockets and found a small chunk of wax in a plastic bag that had been made to look like a crack rock.

Somebody stole a child's car seat from a vehicle.

Stolen From Homes This Week: Two children's bicycles, an adult-sized mountain bicycle, a weed eater, a leaf blower, six microphones, and four throw pillows.

Walter Sobchak o' the Week: When asked to stop walking in the middle of the street, a man replied, "I'm a fucking vet!" "Don't fuck with me!" and "I have fucking back problems!"

When an officer walked up to a rowdy crowd on a residential street, one of the people pulled out a cell phone to record the encounter, turned on the phone's flashlight function, and shone it in the officer's face. When the officer told him he was free to record video but needed to stop shining his light in the officer's face, the man replied, "Fuck you, nigga, you shine your light, I'll shine mine!" He was arrested on a disorderly conduct charge.

During a traffic stop, when asked if he had any weapons or illegal substances in his vehicle, a man replied, "Oh, I got this hunting knife, but I don't ride like that. You can check the car if you want." As the officer began to search the vehicle, the man blurted out, "Oh! I need to be real; there is a little blunt in the ashtray up front."

Baller o' the Week: Police arrested a man after finding 0.05 grams of cocaine and a digital scale in his vehicle, plus $4,669 in cold hard cash rolled up in his cargo pocket.

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