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Blotter: Social distance silver linings

Don't stand so close to me

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Blotter o' the week: The silver lining of the coronavirus outbreak is that crime seems to have slowed to a stop, as no police reports were given to reports beyond March 13. Either the person in charge of printing reports is working from home, or even the criminals are practicing social distancing now.

During a routine traffic stop, an officer was able to smell the distinct odor of fresh marijuana coming from within the vehicle. After a quick search, he found an "extremely small nugget of green leafy plant material" which amounted to about 0.1 gram. Seems like CPD has a new drug sniffing dog, and it can apparently initiate traffic stops.

During an arrest for disorderly conduct, police found an "unknown grayish blue brick substance" on a man at a West Ashley bar. The brick was submitted to CPD for testing. A quick Google search identifies a similar substance as "gray death," which is a mixture of heroin and synthetic opioids ... and an average-to-decent metal band name.

Police responded to a possible burglary at a woman's downtown apartment Wednesday. After finding the resident's laptop still sitting near the broken window, the officer confirmed that nothing appeared to have been stolen. In fact, the glass was lying outside the apartment, on the front porch, meaning it was broken from the inside. This sounds more like old-fashioned teenage angst than a burglary.

Police arrived at a West Ashley school, where a 10-year-old student had apparently brought a pocketknife to show his friends. He clearly wasn't planning on hurting anybody with it, because when another kid snitched, he was just punched in the face.

Police noted that a man was "adamant" about filing a police report when he returned to his moped parked downtown, to find it laying on its side. A bystander said he saw the car that knocked it over but couldn't provide any details. Is this really that big of a deal, man?

A West Ashley man called the police after he said someone drove up onto his property, into his yard, and started doing multiple donuts. Dope.

Three employees of a West Ashley grocery store were accused of embezzling $1,200 by a loss-prevention employee. According to the complainant, each employee had been scanning items on their shift, but leaving with more groceries than they had paid for. Do loss-prevention officers work on commission or something?

At least three motorcycles were stolen Wednesday, officers reported. We've known about the toilet paper and bottled water missing from shelves, but no one could have expected the motorcycle shortage.

Police responded to a report of a stolen camera in West Ashley. Upon arrival to the victim's home, the complainant informed police that they knew where the item was because they saw an acquaintance with it in an Instagram post. OK, this may seem like a dumb move on the offender's part, but have you ever stolen something? It's hard not to brag on social media.

Police found a man downtown who seemed to be intoxicated. He had dilated pupils, slurred speech, and was extremely lethargic, according to a report. When officers found his vape pen, he told them, "That's just my TH ... vape." He's got a good case; if he was really drunk, he would have said, "I'm high, officer."

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