Shoplifting Haul o' the Week: A strawberry bush, a flex hose, a perennial bush, a gas-powered saw, a shovel, two hollyhock plants, a sponge, an iris bush, a lily bush, a pair of gloves, a gardenia bush, three Playstation 3 games, and a bag of potting mix. Total value: $333.40.
When asked about an open bottle of wine he was carrying down the sidewalk, a 19-year-old told police, "It's a large bottle of water." Must've been coming from that wedding party in Cana.
A witness called police to report that he was in a park when he saw a man wearing nothing but a shirt get out of a car and start masturbating. When police arrived, they found the man in his car in a parking lot and ordered him to freeze. The man said, "Can I put my pants on first?" and then opened the door to reveal he was still naked from the waist down. After pulling up his drawers, the man explained that he comes to the park "to get away from everything and to relax," according to an incident report.
Two men stole 100 feet of metal conduit and 21 feet of chain link fence from a man's front yard. The homeowner was able to provide police with video footage of the theft because he had a night-vision hunting camera recording from his front porch.
A drunk woman was found to have an open gallon bottle of sangria stashed in her purse. Flasks are for wimps.
Police arrested a drunk man who was trying to talk on his cell phone while it was upside-down.
A man walked into a pizza parlor, ordered a pizza, and then revealed that he was unable to pay for it. When the owner told him to leave, the man refused. When police told him to leave, he bowed his head and balled up his fists, forcing the officers to arrest him. Outside on the sidewalk, when asked why he had refused to leave, the man said, "I have to show her that I love her." (The man also said he had been using meth and cocaine.)
A woman reported that a planter box containing creeping jasmine had been stolen from her window. She told police that "she is a previous president of the Garden Club and believes only a select subset of society would be interested in stealing her planter box and foliage," according to an incident report.
After her family bought a miniature pinscher from a man on Craigslist for $15, a 16-year-old girl took the dog to a pet store to get its vaccinations. Once inside the store, the dog bit her hand and then ran loose in the store.
After peeing on several people's lawns, a man was asked by police why he was arguing with homeowners. He replied, "Because, because." He also said, "I'm drunk, I'm drunk."
Charming Late-Night Anecdote o' the Week: A man and woman visiting town from out of state were seen urinating together behind an SUV in an alley.
While pulled over at a traffic stop, a man tried to hide a bag containing 25 grams of weed in his underwear. Next time you buy from a dealer, consider that he might be selling his own special brand of Crotch Kush.
Somebody stole an $850 uninstalled staircase from a construction site. Guess they couldn't afford that stairway to heaven.
Police stopped two men who were walking in traffic on the Arthur Ravenel Jr. Bridge at 3:30 a.m. The men said they were walking to the Isle of Palms. Later, at 5 a.m., police found a lone woman walking in traffic on the Ravenel, and she also said she was making the 11-mile trek to IOP. There's a damn sidewalk right there, y'all. Use it.
While being arrested for peeing in the bushes in front of a grocery store, a man told police, "I pulled my dick out to take a piss and they came and interrupted me. I wasn't doing anything wrong. A man can take a piss! I was trying to take a rest."
A man was arrested on a public intoxication charge after he attempted to climb a monument in Marion Square. John C. Calhoun and the Obey Giant looked down on him with scorn in their eyes.
Police Tell-Off o' the Week: A drunk man who was getting in fights with random people in a residential area told a police officer, "I don't have to do nothing you say. You a racist!"
Police stopped to check on a woman who was vomiting in the roadway. When asked how much alcohol she had consumed, she replied, "It's my bachelorette party." The officer handed the lucky bachelorette a ticket for public intoxication.
A night-shift employee at a gas station convenience store was caught on camera stealing $3,700 worth of gift cards, $1,700 in cash, a carton of menthols, and an entire rack of cigarillos from the store while singing the Britney Spears song "Oops!... I Did It Again" to herself.