Doppelganger Dealer o' the Week: When police asked a man who his crack cocaine dealer was, the man replied, "I don't know names, but he looks just like me."
Jackass O' the Week: While being arrested for using a fake ID at a bar, an underage woman tried to run away, kicked a police officer in the groin, threatened to kill the officer, and then said, "My parents are so rich, they don't give a fuck, they will have me out in the morning. You are fucking worthless, you faggot ... I could cut your throat with a knife, asshole."
Shoplifting Haul o' the Week: Somebody shoplifted diapers, laundry detergent, and beer from a store. Total Nic Cage move.
During a drug search of a man's car, police found a digital scale covered in green leaves, a grinder, and a toy pistol inside a Crown Royal bag. The man was charged with possession of drug paraphernalia and possession of a concealed toy pistol, which is apparently a real charge.
A man was working at an e-cigarette booth in a mall when someone walked up and tried to sell him supplies for the booth. When the employee refused, the stranger allegedly grabbed him by the shirt near the neck and pushed him. The guy apparently took a page from the Glengarry Glen Ross "Always Be Choking" school of salesmanship.
Typo o' the Week: A police incident report describes a suspect as wearing a "red button-down shirt, blue jeans, and gay shoes."
A retail employee watched as two men paced outside her store, one of them carrying a black trash bag. The employee got back to work and realized shortly thereafter that a watch, a pair of earrings, and two zebra-striped tote bags had been stolen from the front window display.
A 71-year-old woman told police that she kept a Taurus revolver known as "The Judge" in her car console. The Judge is capable of shooting both .45-caliber pistol rounds and .410 shotgun rounds. She says someone stole the gun one night when she left her vehicle unlocked.
A regular patron walked into a bar one night and ordered a drink, took a sip, and then walked to the other end of the bar and ordered the same drink. He left the second drink on the bar untouched and walked outside, at which point the bartender heard three gunshots. The customer allegedly walked back into the bar, told the staff not to tell anyone about the gunshots, and then left in a hurry.
A man walked into a gas station convenience store and stared wordlessly at a cashier for a while before leaving. The next day, the same man returned to the store and walked up to the cashier with a soda in his hand. When the cashier told him the price, the man opened the soda and drank it in front of her before setting the bottle down on the counter. When the cashier asked if he was going to pay for it, the man pulled a lighter from his pocket and waved it in front of her before picking the bottle back up and leaving the store.
A man who was caught standing by a fence with his penis in his hand told police, "I didn't do it yet!"
Police received a call from a retail employee who said a customer had accidentally left a "weed bong" with marijuana residue in it in a box of items he was returning to the store. The customer was allegedly on his way back to pick up the bong, so police intercepted him and arrested him on a drug paraphernalia possession charge.
Somebody stole a 3.5-ton air conditioning unit from a construction site. Police found copper pipes that had been broken near the house and could see drag marks across the property where the unit had been taken to the street. The coppers haven't copped the copper copper yet.
A man was found sleeping in the second-floor bedroom of an unoccupied house. When asked how he got inside, the man said he found a key to the house in the mailbox.
An officer caught a man in the act of peeing on the side of a church building. When confronted about it, the man hung his head and said "he knew what he was doing was wrong, but didn't want to urinate on himself," according to an incident report.
Stolen From Homes This Week: A Playstation 3, an iPad, a 9mm pistol, a .22-caliber pistol, $500 in cash, a checkbook, two tennis bracelets with charms in the shape of theater masks and a cross, a gold bull's horn, a gold butterfly charm, five gold rings with various gemstones, two silver rings with diamonds, a gold ring with a gold letter "M" and a diamond setting, a leafblower, a trimmer, and a gallon can of gasoline.
Scam o' the Week: A man walked into a store, bought a few external hard drives and walked out, only to come back 30 minutes later and return the hard drives for cash. The man did this four times over the course of about three months, and management eventually figured out that the man was returning faulty hard drives in place of the ones he bought. In all, the scam cost the store about $900.
During a DUI check, when asked how much he had to drink that night, a man said, "Four beers, five beers, six beers, seven beers." He also said he had stopped and enjoyed "a couple of cocktails in the car."