Blotter o' the Week: Officers found a Bible in a parking garage with eight pages of printed documents wedged inside, titled "Cannabis Seeds 101: All You Need to Know and More."
A man drove his grandson home after he had spent the afternoon fighting with family members. He probably thought his points weren't well taken, as he later decided to follow his grandfather's van on foot and shoot at it repeatedly.
"You racist ass cops, you all are bastards," a man yelled at a group of officers walking across the street. Ten minutes later, a bar manager called the cops claiming that the same man said he would "kill white people." Why we gotta take it from 0 to 60 like that?
When an officer tried to examine a half-empty vodka bottle sitting next to a man lying on the sidewalk outside of a downtown hotel, the man promptly grabbed it back.
A man hot-boxing his car on a Sunday night made unshakable eye contact with an officer, going as far as taking a long drag of his blunt while the cop looked in the car. Talk about going out with dignity.
This week in punishing people for being alive: A presumably homeless man was given a citation for loitering after he was found sleeping in a downtown parking garage.
Someone poured sugar in the gas tank of a BMW left overnight in a parking garage. Estimated damage: $1,500.
A man stole a beer, a pair of gloves, and 40 air fresheners from a downtown gas station. Two days later, the same store was jacked for three beers and 10 Slim Jims.
A woman walked up to an officer and said, "I have drug paraphernalia on me, it's in my bra. Please take me to jail." The officer didn't find anything on her, but her bloodshot eyes and the fact that she approached him wearing pajamas with no shoes, outside of a hotel she was not staying in, did guarantee a public intoxication arrest.
A woman who has been intimidating her neighbor for a while took to Facebook to write, "come outside and shoot this round bitch." Friendly reminder: We strongly encourage non-fatphobic intimidation at CP.
A woman put a keychain in her purse and some earrings in her bra before walking out of a department store. When asked why she shoplifted, she said she was "just depressed."
The week in stolen iPhones: one iPhone 8, one rose gold iPhone 7 (and a rose gold iPhone 7 Plus), and one iPhone 6S.
Speaking of Apple products, a very brave soul stole a Series 3 Apple Watch straight out of the Apple Store, which is sad because a Taiwanese teenager worked really hard to assemble that.
A stolen debit card was used to spend $300 at a Short Trip, which amounts to a hell of a lot of potato chips and Powerades.