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Best of the Blotter 2009

Charleston's most wanted celebrities (still waiting for their reality show)

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It's a peculiar job, spending an afternoon reviewing the details of every police report in the City of Charleston for the fun and irreverent stories that make for great blotter fodder. We've seen a suspected kidnapper arrested in the police office lobby. We've seen a cold-case car thief turn himself in. But that didn't stop us from finding the drunk ass who can't get to "D" in his ABCs. In one police report, a man suspected of driving under the influence refused to do the roadside tests, concerned he would embarrass himself. Now that's a faithful reader. Here are the rest of our favorites, capped off with the blotter of the year.

Victim Statement O' The Year: "I moved here for you, and now I got shot."

A man caught with cocaine told officers, "If I had known that was there, I would have smoked it already with the one that I smoked just a few minutes ago." Under "employment" on the booking sheet, he wrote, "Crack is my job."

A portable toilet fell off a transport truck on Interstate 26 hitting a woman's car and causing $250 in damage. We're never calling our car a piece of shit again.

Arrested for stealing three bottles of lotion from a downtown grocery store, a man told officers he did it because he was addicted to drugs. One aisle over, buddy.

A burglary victim told officers, "When I left, the door had door knobs."

A man was found sleeping in the grass near a local homeless shelter. Asked how much he had had to drink, the man responded: "One, but it was about as big as your car."

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A mother asked officers to search her teenage son to make sure he didn't bring his iPod to school. He didn't. Instead, officers say they found marijuana in his pocket.

A man questioned after his girlfriend accused him of assault told officers numerous times, "No, I haven't hit her yet."

A witness questioned about a street fight told officers to look for the woman who was missing her weave. They found her.

An officer responding to a verbal dispute arrived after the fight had ended. But a third man approached the officer and demanded a ride home, saying that the officer's job was to "serve and protect," which meant "to serve him by giving him a ride to West Ashley."

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Asked to perform a sobriety test, a DUI suspect told officers, "I can't do that, I have had too much to drink."

A man upset that his friend was being arrested for cocaine possession called the officers racist rednecks. "Wait till Obama hears about this," he said before he was arrested for disorderly conduct.

An off-duty officer found a couple having sex at the car wash. We can imagine their disappointment when they realized the coin-operated dispenser was stocked with the wrong kind of body wax.

Police obtained a suspect's date of birth through her Facebook page. They also found out that she likes reading, writing, and talking to her friends, and that, if she were a musical, she'd be Pippin.

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Citizen: "Why do I have to give you my gun?"
Officer: "Because I am the police, and you answered the door with a shotgun."

Four barstools were stolen from a downtown porch. And somewhere, three guys and a short, curly-haired sassy waitress are reenacting their favorite scenes from Cheers.

Alum O' The Year: "I went to college. I know what it is like to be drunk and out of control ..."

A mother frustrated with her son for not doing his homework went out into the yard to find a switch to scare him with. The boy took a "large branch" of his own, threw it at his mom, and ran.

A doughnut store reported that someone stole four trays of the tasty treats. We have no doubt the police department will use every resource tracking down this fiend.

A woman claiming assault said that she was "attacked by little people from the fictional movie Honey, I Shrunk the Kids." Oh, great. Another tired '80s remake.

Officers trying to deliver warrants discovered the two men they were looking for were already being held at the detention center. Worth every penny, guys. Really.

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A man fell off his bike downtown and bumped his head. When asked who the president was, he said, "George Bush." Well, isn't he in for a pleasant surprise.

A car owner reported that a woman had poured sugar into her gas tank. The vandal left a note reading, "I warned you on several occasions. Have a blessed day."

When officers asked a man charged with disorderly conduct if he had anything sharp in his pockets, he said he had a "dildo" they could use. If this dildo was a sharp object, that certainly would explain his surly disposition.

A James Island man reported that his shotgun had been stolen from his front porch. We'd check the alibi of the last boy who wanted to date his daughter.

A man recently released from prison told an officer that a friend had given him drugs to sell so that he could get back on his feet. Finally, an economic stimulus package that doesn't need a flow chart to make sense.

There was a three-man fight in the men's restroom at a Market Street bar over who got to use the urinal next.

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An alleged vehicular assault started with this exchange: "You know who I am?" "No." "Well your man does." Oh, no she didn't.

Two unknown suspects appear to have snuck into a local elementary school through the roof. Once inside, it's alleged that they ate a box of cookies and apples from the art supply closet and pooped in the box.

In the midst of apprehending a suspect, an officer reported having to chase the man around his car three times. We can only hope "Yakety Sax" was playing in the background.

An employee of a party company reported a trailer had been stolen with an inflatable slide and four jump castles (with themes like Shrek, Looney Tunes, and Pirates of the Caribbean). There'll be good times at the super-secret hideout tonight!

Officers asked a man who had fallen asleep behind the wheel how much he had to drink. "A couple of beers," he said. Asked how big the beers were, the man said, "No." Asked to recite the alphabet. "C,D ... C,D,E ... C,D,S ... I dunno."

Drug Hiding Spot O' The Year: A cooler of fresh-catch shrimp

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Officers were parked in the city's bus barn when a man approached them saying, "I am very drunk, and I think I need to go to jail." If only the Blotter was delivered to us that easily.

An employee of a local beverage distribution company reported that someone broke into her company car, stealing a GPS unit, along with two bottles of Grey Goose Vodka and two bottles of Corzo Tequila. If we had that much to drink, we'd need a voice from a little box to guide us home, too.

Officers responding to a domestic assault found a man with severe bite marks on his ear and scratches on his chest. Team Jacob: 1. Team Edward: 0.

Police responded after a man allegedly punched a car window, popping the glass out. Officers asked several questions while booking the man, which apparently frustrated him. "What else do you need to know — the size of my dick? I will tell you that it's not that big."

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Word O' The Year: Assisted. While struggling with a DUI suspect resisting arrest, a police report notes "the weight of both officers assisted (the suspect) to the ground."

Sober Driver O' The Year: "I'll probably blow over the limit. That is just my luck," followed by "I was buzzed, then I saw you behind me and I said to myself, 'OK, now I'm sober.' "

Cartoon O' The Year: A resident called police after finding drugs in a fire hydrant.

A West Ashley man met five women on a local highway and invited them back to his home. After they left, he found that $1,000 was missing from his bedroom closet. He said all the women were wearing dreads. This is what Predators are reduced to when a movie franchise dies.

In a police report regarding threatening phone calls, the officer noted ever so subtly that the woman suspected of making the calls "is angry the victim is 'talking' to her 'baby daddy.'" You know, we'd just be lost without those quotation marks.

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Threat O' The Year: "Catch me on a bad bag of cocaine and I'm going to kick your ass."

A suspect arrested for drug possession told officers, "That's not my blunt, mine was bigger." We bet that's what he says to all the girls.

A downtown resident reported finding 12 place settings of silverware missing from a hidden drawer — which, we can probably just call "a drawer" at this point.

A man suspected of driving under the influence refused a field sobriety test because he didn't want to be embarrassed. Obviously, he is a faithful reader of this page.

A West Ashley bank robber handed a note to the teller that read, "Don't blame me. Blame Uncle Sam for not taking care of us veterans!" Right now, we're blaming Uncle Sam for giving this guy combat training.

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Guess the level of sobriety: "Officer was flagged down by a citizen ... stating a person was hanging off a satellite dish." Answer: Drunk. Really drunk.

Advice O' the Year: "If you're gonna be a dick, be a better one than me."

A woman wrecked her SUV when she hit a downtown fountain. She told officers that she didn't remember what happened, but that "a homeless guy told me to go that way."

Famous last words on a second-floor balcony before breaking both wrists: "Wouldn't it suck to fall from here? Watch this."

Staycation O' The Year: "I have three days off, paid, and I will be following you. ... I want to know where you're at."

Time to give up the chase: According to police, a drunken suspect "attempted to stumble away."

A woman had three checks stolen and at least one was used at a pizza place. She suspects her son's girlfriend. Then again, what mother isn't suspicious of her son's girlfriend?

Math O' The Year: According to one threat, it takes exactly four people to duct tape a victim and leave the body where no one can find it. We guess that three would just do a sloppy job and a fifth would stand around like that one guy you'd always see in the boy bands.

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A student at an area middle school left class, complaining that she'd had her period and needed to see the nurse. Police later alleged that she had stolen a classmate's cell phone and hidden it in the crotch of her pants. I don't care what the kids are doing these days, young lady. That is NOT a tampon.

A man stumbling around after he got kicked out of a Market Street bar told officers, "I've never been in Greenville before tonight." And to think we doubted the value of a GPS system.

A woman told officers that her soon-to-be ex-husband had been texting threats and had accessed her MySpace page. In case you're wondering, this is the first press MySpace has received since 2007.

Patrolling the City Market after closing time, officers found a woman on one of the tables "with a male subject underneath her shirt who she stated was her boyfriend." She allegedly then proceeded to crawl across several tables. This is what happens when Shakira releases a new single.

Text Threat O' The Year: "Payback is a butch."

A letter sent to a Charleston woman threatened harm unless she dumped her boyfriend. The return address was "Guess who?" Um, how about that last person who actually writes letters. Seriously, we couldn't even tell you what's on a stamp anymore.

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Blotter O' The Year: Responding to a domestic disturbance call, officers found a woman punching her husband in the chest. The man said she got angry when he accused her of cheating, and she allegedly “removed a tampon from her genitals and struck the victim in the face with it, stating ‘How can I be cheatin’ and my period is on.’ ” She also allegedly attempted to hit him with a vase and bit him several times.

Items Stolen This Year: 55 laptops, 151 iPods, 205 bikes, 231 GPS units

Unusual Items Stolen This Year: Three surfboards, a trombone, copies of In Cold Blood and War and Peace, a tea and tray set, and a Hello Kitty debit card

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