News+Opinion » Chris Haire

Confession is good for the soul, but not for Mark Sanford

White Lies



Here's the thing about confessing — you know, the really good kind of confessing that goes on between you and the Big Kahuna, the kind you gotta do before the man in the gray suit comes to take a bite out of your board: you've got to really admit what you did wrong for it to work.

Surely Mark Sanford knows this; after all, he's been apologizing for his transgressions for weeks now. In fact, there's nothing the governor likes more than to talk about what a bad, bad boy he is. Seriously Mark, is that a podium in your pocket or are you just glad to remember your nights with your Latin lover?

But if you're a member of the press or a state legislator, it ain't none of your business. Sanford doesn't work for you. He works for the Lord. Or at least that's what he told The Washington Times last week.

And that's fine. That firm is always a bit understaffed. But I transgress.

Here's the problem with Mark's never-ending confession tour: The governor only wants to confess so much. See, for Sanford, really owning up to his crimes is apparently out of the question — at least the bits that I'm guessing he doesn't like to remember when he's lying in bed at night, all alone, now that Jenny's out of the house. Like say for instance, the whole Appalachian Trail thing. According to the Times, Sanford now says that imaginary trip to the mountains was just "a little white lie" he told his staff.

Hmm. A little white lie? Really? Like the time I told my wife that I hadn't watched the season finale of Lost when I had?

I don't know about you, but if Sanford can't recognize that his "little white lie" was anything but, then to me the guy's a lost cause. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if the CEO of Heaven Inc. gave him a pink slip.

Which is something I should be worried about too, considering my sinful ways. Maybe it's time I fessed up. Confession's good for the soul, you know. OK, here goes:

1. For the good of the state, I hope that Sanford resigns.
For the good of this column, I hope that he stays.

2. There is a picture of Sarah Palin dressed as a bikini-wearing barbarian warrior on my desk.

3. I look around during church whenever the preacher asks everyone to bow their heads and pray. I've seen you looking too.

4. The healthcare reform debate bores me. I wish the town hall meetings were more like Thunderdome.

5. I don't care if André Bauer is gay, but if he is, I hope there's a sex tape to prove it, specifically one where he is snorting a line of coke
off the taut buttocks of a Chippendale dancer. But it better not be any of that night-vision crap. If I wanted to watch green beasties
bump and grind, I'd watch Gremlins. That movie theater scene was hot.

6. I try out lines on Twitter.

7. Even though I'm a Clemson fan, I regular root for the Gamecocks.

8. Henry Brown looks an awful lot like my great uncle Harry. I will vote for him for that reason alone.

9. I would rather go back in time to party with George W. Bush than witness the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

10. I worry that Obama is not up to the job.

11. If I took the right martial arts classes, I could beat Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Glenn Beck in a three-on-one fight. But I would
stay the hell away from Rocky D.

12. I think Tim Mallard and Joe Riley should star in a revival of The Odd Couple.

13. I am an unrepentant liar.

Add a comment