News+Opinion » Features

Craigslist Poetry: Blow kisses, not chunks

'That is when I barfed a little bit on my plate.'


1 comment

For the gape-mouthed spectators who haunt the Missed Connections section of Charleston Craigslist, there are a few prize finds: wallflower confessions, manic proclamations of love at first sight, public intimations of lust in the workplace. And then, every once in a while, you strike pay dirt. Exhibit A: The first item in this week's installation of Craigslist Poetry, "Barfing At The Buffet." How often do you get to hear the story of an amorous encounter cut short by vomit?

The following are actual entries from the Missed Connections section of Charleston Craigslist, divided into lines and stanzas and presented without embellishment:

Barfing At The Buffet - w4m - 24 (Charleston)

You seemed like a very sensual man.
I could tell by the way you moved,
like water, like silk, like a dream
I have yet to see.

As we continued to talk I noticed
this strange rumble coming from
my stomach and I immediately
begin to sweat profusely.

You were so handsome I didn't want to walk away.
I also didn't want to stop eating. lol.
You said you were looking for a job
and that you were a bit frustrated.
I encouraged you and told you
it would all fall into place. After I said that,
I barfed slightly into my mouth.

You said you have lived in Charleston
your whole life and I asked if you liked to travel.
That is when I barfed a little bit on my plate.

You asked if I was ok and I played it off.
I noticed you tried to walk away
but I didn't want to lose you.
We walked to the dessert bar
and that is when I barfed in your face.

I do apologize
I just didn't want
to lose this opportunity
with you. If you see this
just know that I can't
stop thinking about you
and I have stopped barfing.

East Bay Post Office - m4w - 60 (Charleston)

Every mature white male
has the "silver fox" fantacy.
But I'm not out of GQ

Around 4:15 you left wearing beige/yellow shirt....
long curles in your hair.
beautiful young black woman.
we spoke...
I was picking up my mail after vacation.
how about a cup of coffee at Starbucks?

I turned left on Romney st.
as you turned right.

A real woman - w4m

A real woman will not endure your boyish ways.
A real woman will not stick around for explanation.
A real woman will not listen to excuses.
A real woman will not pursue you.
A real woman will walk away without the drama.
A real man is a rare jewel.

Taco Bell MTP - m4w - 35 (mount pleasant)

I see you everytime I grab lunch! I'm married
so I guess this is the only way I can ever talk
to you, but if you see this...lunchtime is the best part
of my day! You are always smiling
and always friendly!

September Song...the days dwindle down..

You blew me off,
because I ran a background check on you.

I know all about you
as I would anyone I hoped
to spend my life with.
Nothing bad could be found.

I know you love Corona
but that's OK so long as
you don't get drunk and beat me up.
LDS is OK w/ me;
I read the book.

You are a hard-working, neat individual
and I know you have been through a lot of surgeries,
etc lately.

You need someone who cares about you
who would take care of your every need.
Contact me. We could at least be friends.

I helped you at every opportunity
in the past when you were my neighbor.
I'd like to do it again
because you left an imprint that doesn't seem
to want to fade away.

See you on Twitter.
Or do you still have me blocked?
YOU are not a bad person.
I am not a bad person.
I know we both get lonely.


Showing 1-1 of 1


Add a comment