News+Opinion » Chris Haire

Diary of an A-Lister

If legislators can Twitter, so can I



S.C. State Rep. Dan Hamilton wants you to know there's a new Chipotle restaurant on Woodruff Road. Why anyone in Charleston would want to know about the opening of a fast food chain in Greenville is anyone's guess, but Dan Hamilton thinks you should.

Rep. Hamilton also says it's sad to hear that Andrew Wyeth passed away, and that Dan's 6-year-old daughter got a Wii and a bike for Christmas, and his 3 year old calls a magnifying glass a "magicafying" glass, and that the "yea" button at his desk at the Statehouse doesn't work.

Most importantly, Dan Hamilton wants everyone to know that since he's going to have sinus surgery — and will be heavily medicated — he's going to lay off Twitter for awhile so he doesn't tweet anything crazy.

Yeah. That's probably a good idea, Dan. In fact, you may want to lay off Twitter altogether.

As should Reps. Nathan Ballentine, Eric Bedingfield, and Anton J. Gunn. Thanks to their contributions to Twitter, we all know that Ballentine thinks that Publix brand spicy Italian frozen pizza is seriously the best pizza ever, Bedingfield believes that In the Land of Women is pretty good for a chick flick, and Gunn ponders whether it is more important to be warm or look fly? His decision: "fly" is a state of mind.

All of this got me thinking. Maybe I should give this Twitter thing a try, that way I could show everybody exactly who I am and why they should emulate me.

If I Twittered, this is what an average day for me would be like:

Frying up some bacon. Got some grits on the stove. Coffee is brewing.

Eating, drinking, reading, and e-mailing.

Delete. Delete. Delete.

Time for a run.

If I was a werewolf, I'd target joggers, but only at the end of their runs. They'd be too whipped to get away.

Showering. The hot water is especially warm.

Today's a T-shirt and blazer day.

I can see the dogs through the front door as I lock it. I wonder if Wallace Scarborough is as sad as they look.

Driving ... and texting. You can take my iPhone when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

The theme to Rocky has been played out. What about "Take You Back"? Frank Stallone is an underrated genius.

Oh crap. Our art director wants to talk about the cover illustration. What does he think this place is? I'll hide in my office and surf the web until lunch.

I think I'm in love with Odette Yustman. Scarlett, babe, your wallpaper days are over.

Momma Brown's or JB's? Shi Ki or Sushi Haru? Jersey Mike's or the Teeter?

Just inserted Ron Paul randomly into Jack Hunter's column. I can't believe Jack hates that guy so much.

I make the interns transcribe phone interviews from three years ago. Torture is fun.

Our music editor just showed me a clip from Fernwood 2 Night, featuring Tom Waits. Not surprisingly, Waits is acting hammered. I could use a drink.

You know, maybe I shouldn't drink so much.

What time is it? Is the Recovery Room open?

Just reworked Will Moredock's column. If you take the first letter of each paragraph it reads, "I want to make babies with George W. Bush."

If Arthur Ravenel and Nancy McGinley were at a sleep-over, would they get into a pillow fight or spend the night braiding each other's hair?

Who else thinks Bill Walsh could take Bill Sharpe in a staring contest?

Our editorial assistant keeps handing me copy to read. I tell her, I am an editor, not an intern.


The Pilot Precise V7 is the best pen ever.

MLK day is a national service day? When did that happen?

Is it 5:30 already?

Stopping off in the restroom before I leave. By Crom, I'm a good-looking man. I am a superstar. An A-List celebrity. And just as soon as more folks sign on to my Twitter account, they'll know it too.

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